I don't think I can do better than my 2 year post, so I'm going to be lazy
and repost that, since everything still applies, except for two things:
First, I've changed the numbers to reflect 4 years, and the reference
below
to the problems and getting divorced is now over a year old.
I talk in the post about not smoking even in the middle of
problems with my marriage. I still haven't smoked with problems in the
marriage continuing this last year. In March, my 3 year old son had
pneumonia. My wife, who joined this hyper religious church (some call it a
cult) back in 2000 (hence the beginning of marriage problems when she
started
treating me different because I didn't "belong" to her church), had a
psychotic break when he had pneumonia, lost all touch with reality. I
ended
up calling 911 twice, once on a Monday morning because she was trying to
keep
me from giving him water (had a temp of over 103) and penecillin. The
second
time I called 911 was after midnight that same day, and she was completely
gone, thought she was god, telling me that she was pregnant with twins
because god showed her in the bible where it said she was pregnant. This
despite the fact that she had pregnancy tests in the bathroom that all
said
negative. Police came, called an ambulance, and that morning I find out
they
spirited her away to another city to a mental facility. The state
involuntarily committed her for three weeks to see if medication would
help.
It did. They diagnosed it as a psychotic break, due to depression and
borderline anorexia. She came back home, and on the medications, she was
once
again the wife I married, the woman I hadn't seen for 6 1/2 years.
Apologetic
for the things she did (went off birth control and got pregnant without
ever
letting me be part of the decision, then quit her job without ever telling
me, leaving me responsible for all the finances, that kind of stuff). She
saw
how wrong it was for her to discount me because of her church. Everything
finally fell into place, until she got a different shrink (court ordered
as
conditions of her release she see a shrink every week or two, and she be
on
medication, otherwise she could be put back in). The new shrink is part of
her church, said it was all a spiritual attack by satan, and she stopped
taking the meds and went right back to her "new" self, with a few more
delusions... She then snuck out of the house on the 29th of June with my
son,
left a note saying she filed for divorce.
So we're in the process of getting a divorce. I'm trying to see if her
being
off her meds again, writing in her journal that she still hears voices and
has problems distingui****ng "good" voices from "bad" voices, has any
effect
on custody, since I"m trying for full custody as long as she won't get
back
on her meds (or if she can be put back in the facility since quitting her
meds was a violation of the court's order for her release).
During all of this, I have had no desire to smoke. NONE. Smoking is not
only
not an option, it's also not a thought. So if I can do it through this
type
of crap, anyone can do it.
Anyway, here's the copy/paste from my post from last year. Everything
other
than the marriage and meter are still valid. :) And here's my almost 3
year
meter, and I am looking forward to Marvin's post soon after mine as he's
right there too.
I quit those damn smokes 2 Years, 11 Months, 4 Weeks, 1 Day, 10 hours, 17
minutes and 38 seconds ago, giving my new baby an additional 3 Months, 3
Weeks, 21 hours and 30 minutes of having a father in this life, by
avoiding
the use of 32,802 evil nicotine delivery devices that would have raped me
out
of $5,740.49.
Tonight I hit 4 years quit.
Not bad for someone who tried half a dozen times in half assed attempts to
quit over 20 years...
So I'm living proof it can be done, along with all the other quitters in
here.
There is no excuse. I know everyone talks about the nicodemon, but lets
face
it, it all comes down to choice. Plain and simple.
For some, it's a choice for life. They want to do something to make their
lives better, and potentiall longer, by removing something that is known
to
be harmful.
For others, it's a choice of money. They want to stop spending money on
something that ultimately gives them nothing of value in return.
For me, it was a matter of pride. I finally realized I was sick and tired
of
being a slave to several grams of paper and leaves and chemicals. I hated
going to the movies, and half way through wanting to have a smoke, having
that thought always in the mind taking away from the movie experience,
then
being one of the people ru****ng out of the theater to light up once the
movie
was done. I hated wondering if now was a good time to grab a smoke during
the
lulls at work. I hated sitting in my garage during the winter, since I was
at
least in control enough of myself to determine when I built my house I'd
never smoke in it. I hated running out in the evening when I'd rather sit
home and relax, but knowing I needed to get some cigarettes for the
morning
so that I would not run out. I hated not being able to smoke at some of
the
places I liked, and thus avoiding them so that I would not have to deal
with
the discomfort. I hated my friends, all non-smokers, who would come to the
bar and have drinks with me while I smoked, having to put up with my
smoking.
I hated not being able to smoke in my car when I had my newborn baby in
it. I
hated knowing that I shouldn't smoke, but smoked anyway.
I hated my half assed failed attempts. My own fault, not taking them
seriously, because I knew "I failed before, so I'm probably not going to
succeed this time either."
I hated being a ****ing slave to some little piece of **** *thing* that
controlled every aspect of my life. Where I ate, where I drank, what I
did,
when I saw movies, every single aspect of my day, both professional and
personal, was controlled by that little inanimate object, telling me when
I
could and could not do something to make sure I had everything planned and
scheduled around when I'd smoke.
We try, we fail sometimes. But there's only one thing that keeps us
smoking -
ourselves. We can talk about the nicodemon, but nobody that I've ever
heard
of died from nicotine withdrawal. And with the gum and the lozenges and
the
patches, we have far more resources at our fingertips than previous
generations who also succeeded.
I used to love to post in here, to read other's posts, but I got so
discouraged by all the people who tried and started up again, tried again,
started up again... All of the "Oh, that's OK, maybe you'll do better next
time" posts. Bull****. It's *NOT* OK. It wasn't OK when I failed, and it
sure
as hell isn't OK when anyone else fails. It's a damn shame. Because every
time someone tries and ends up lighting up again, it's just one more
victory
for the tobacco industry, one more victory for cigarettes, and one more
person who is admitting that they can't control themselves.
Rough, yes, but true. Us smokers couldn't control ourselves. That's why we
smoked. We lacked the willpower, the bullheadedness, the confidence in
ourselves to simply say "I don't like doing this, so I'm not going to do
it
anymore."
This world has become for so many such a world of comfort and quick
satisfaction that as a race we seem to be unable to do things that require
effort anymore, that require dedication and involve discomfort.
But that's what it takes to quit smoking. None of us, when we decided to
quit, ever said "Boy, this'll be a piece of cake!". We all *KNOW* it's not
going to be easy, we all *KNOW* that we're going to have cravings, want
that
cigarette, and may damn well end up giving into that need.
But there's not a single ****ing reason why we should. When you get down
to
it, it's just too damn simple to quit that there's literally no valid
excuse
not to quit.
I was at a bar two days after quitting, sitting around having drinks with
my
friends. Something that most people tell you not to do, because you avoid
things that trigger that desire to smoke. I was having *** the night I
quit,
another trigger. I just kept telling myself that I wasn't a smoker. I was
in
charge of my life, and that life no longer involved smoking.
I went through a year of hell in my marriage that really got bad within
the
first month of my quitting. I'd get so fed up with my wife that I'd go
spend
a week at a hotel a few times a month.
So I went through all the things that would've normally had me smoking
like a
chimney. And during them all, not once did it ever occur to me to have a
cigarette. I simply didn't smoke anymore. Period. It wasn't an option.
And I'm one of the laziest people I know. I can bust my ass in a 45 hour
long
single day at work, but ultimately that's because I'm lazy and doing that
makes something else easier down the road. I far prefer the comfort to the
effort.
But I quit.
4 years, ****ing incredible. All because this time I decided I was fed up
with being a *****... I was fed up with not being in control of my own
actions, my own day, my own ****ing life.
I quit.
And there's not a single smoker who's reading this message that can't do
the
same. No excuses, no bull****, no whining, no complaining. Just ****ing
make
up your mind that you're going to quit. Not because of health, not because
of
money, but simply because you WANT TO.
Don't externalize the reasons. It's noble to quit for your family, for
your
baby, etc... But it's also not nearly as effective as quitting for
yourself.
No matter how selfless and noble we are, it's still easier to do something
for yourself.
Stop the justifications, the excuses. Just make up your mind to do it.
That's
really all it takes. The rest is just patience and determination, no
matter
how good or bad it is. Cravings will pass. And they happen whether or not
you
smoke. Give in to one, and another is right down the line. So why give in?
They go away. let them go away on their own, not by lighting up.
4 ****ing years baby. And I'm DAMNED proud of it. Every one of us here ...
--
John
|
