circle and no way out (rant)

My life is just going downhill. One thing leads to another.

Yesterday, I felt so bad that I opened my pack of cigarettes, grabbed some

matches and went to the backyard, finding myself playing with the idea
that 
smoking would make things better. I was fighting the urge to smoke all day

long.

Today was even worse:

We had my bosses retirement party. All week I pretended that I am glad
about 
my boss leaving. Truth is that I am very sad and know I am going to miss 
her. :( She was my biggest sup****t at work. She always was there when I
felt 
down. We had the same high work values... --- I just want to cry and
smoke.
My youngest daughter was supposed to come from Edmonton and than we were 
suppose to go on a short vacation to Ottawa, everything is booked. but now

she is having some marital problems over there and doesn't come anymore. 
I 
tried to tell myself that I don't care... :( I just want to cry and smoke
My husband doesn't go on any outside activities with me, he only likes
going 
to the mall which I hate. -- I want to cry and smoke
Constant arguments/ snapping... screaming... well you name it between me
and 
my husband --- he just makes a perfect target for my mood --- I want to
cry 
and smoke.
my house is a big big mess and I am to tiered to have any energy to clean
up 
anything -- I want to cry and smoke
I am still on dial up and have to share the internet time with hubby -- I 
want to cry and smoke
my whole e-mail system is down (Sympatico sucks) so I can't get in contact

with my psych or friends. - I want to cry and smoke
I haven't slept properly for the last nights and my mood is just going up 
and down. -- I want to smoke.
Hopefully Google is not shutting down.

I guess crying and smoking is not going to change a dam thing.

HappyPolarBear ---- not happy at all today :((my ****ing spell checker
took 
all the f... words out of my rant.)

-- 
"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail"
I will not fail. I will prove that Bipolars can
stay quit too