Not doing well - Rant - Rage

something is wrong.
its been wrong
i dont recognize myself anylonger
today....I got a pack of cigarettes and they are IN my pocket. WHY ?
cuz for a brief moment I was pondering smoking one.
Its like an enormous wave of Self Punishment - Self Sabotage - a
Hatred of myself.

****...i think i hit it  - I dont like me and I am PUNI****NG myself.
When I get to feeling lonley and invisible, like a big fcking
Nothing...I seek out things that are harmful to mde...I fcking
Sabotage myself...almost like a sick way of Flogging myself ...

so....Cigs was like a punishment - a S L O W suicide....because I can
hear myself say - Who The **** Cares Anyway?
My family? No
I have no friends but a Dog.....a ****ing dog.

I wanted to be married...
I wanted a family...
I am ****ing GRAY headed Fat **** with a **** job working in a gas
station....
What a ****ing PRIZE I am.

I really wanted a son.

I wnated to Love and BE Loved.
I want INTIMACY with a woman, A
Friend****p...companion...buddy....Lover...
Someone I can take care of, cook for -protect -make laugh - dry her
tears...

it aint gonna happen....and THIS was the reason I quit cigs - to
'improve my image'......
what the fck for ?
aint no one interested.

yeah..I may have quit smoking for a year...but I cant lose the ****ing
weight...
Today..I couldnt keep myself from eating 2 ****ing donutes and I baked
3 cookies at the store - FCK ME what a fcking *****...there I was
WATCHIN myself eat this ****....

Cigs were easy compared to food -
signed
a very fat **** whose old and grouchy.