this did not work (sorry long)

First of all I would like to thank all of you who stand beside me and got
me 
through the first day. Thanks for all the encouraging words. I know many
of 
you probably think so she still smokes and you will be disappointed. I
want 
you to know that I still have the same goal.  but I know that beside all 
your sup****t I need medical help to archive it. Cold Turkey did not work 
this time.

This morning I had more than a hangover from last night. I felt so
depressed 
that I didn't make it out of my bed before one and only with the help of
my 
husband did I leave the house. Not even the idea of getting cigarettes got

me out of bed. I couldn't eat, neither did I want to talk, all I did was 
crying. My husband hasn't seen me like this since Feb, we were thinking to

go to the emergency but I can't, If I am not better by tomorrow morning, I

want be able to go to work and have to call my psych. At work they are
going 
to love me for this: I work for two days, after I was on sick leave for
six 
month, and now I am sick again.

I am not making any excuses for me having one cigarette today. There is 
none. It also will stay this way until my husband and I saw my
psychiatrist 
and can make a plan how I can reach my goal of not smoking without ending
up 
in a hospital. There has to be a way to defeat the illness and the smoking

habit.

I think I was so happy about quitting and all excited about it that I did 
not plan enough in advance. I expected to be irritated and have a constant

thought of wanting to smoke, I knew I could handle that. What I can't
handle 
is the mood drop. I already can't handle it as a smoker leave alone during

quitting. I didn't expect the mood to drop that fast and so deep. I had no

back up plan for a mood drop. I also didn't realize that I was only a
month 
on the new medication. I was heading for trouble.

Stephanie, I know most of all you will be very disappointed but I also
hope 
you will understand. If you are still okay with it I would like to stay in

E-mail contact with you  so I can learn from you how to deal with BP and
as 
a nonsmoker.

Karen, I am still here and still fighting just have to get medical help 
first. But I promise I only will smoke one in the morning to get out of
bed 
and one before I go to sleep to keep getting through a day.

I will continue to read posts and may respond to some to provide sup****t.
As 
it goes for me I will post again once I am quit for minimum a week.

PolarBear
-- 
"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail"
I will not fail. I will prove that Bipolars can
stay quit too