I quit smoking 5-29. This weekend has been the worst since I quit. I
don't want to smoke. I just want to quit crying for no reason.
yesterday evening I wanted to kill the ice cream man for playing Pop
Goes the Weasel. I thought I would give anything if he would quit
playing that song. Pacing, crying, crying, pacing. Then when he
seemed to answer my prayer by switching over to Turkey in the Straw I
realized that I just wasn't going to be happy until his stupid little
white truck fell off the edge of the earth. I had this irrational,
ridiculous hatred for all those people whose belief that the world is
round prevents me from pu****ng the ice cream truck off a never-ending
pothole. But no, this guy keeps blithely benefiting from
gravity and curvature just to ruin my day.
Today I have done NOTHING except not smoke and wait for an email. My
place is a pit. Dishes in the sink. Cat hair on the rug.
In the interests of full disclosure, I wish to say that I've posted
here before under a different identity. There aren't many here , if
any, who might remember me - i never really did chat and stuff. I no
longer use my name on the net, not even first name. Burned, not in as3.
If anyone gives a rip or wants to know for some reason I can't
anticipate, email me and I will disclose my previous posting ID.
Promise I’m not a troll. Nor am I trying to pretend I haven't failed
and disappeared in a fog of smoke. I have. Nor am I trying to hide a
history of troublemaking. I have none.
Snapdragon AT lavabit DOT com
In July, 2006 I quit for 13 months. Hit a nasty depression three or
four months in and disappeared from life. Fell right in. Time off
work kind of depression. If you say what you're thinking out loud and
won't go voluntarily, the police will come with an ambulance and make
you go kind of depression. I know a lot more now and hope I've put the
right pieces in place for me. If not, I'll get through it again.
But. I. Didn’t. Smoke. This quit broke a years long pattern of
repeated failure in response to depression. Tem****arily forgot or
ignored all of these hard won lessons and relapsed in August, 2007. 13
months. Made it to OF once. Then left the tubs no one knew I was even
in.
Cause of relapse: 1.) Thinking 2.) Feeling about my thinking 3.)
Thinking that feeling about my thinking was a good excuse to smoke. It
wasn’t.
Now I don’t think anymore. It’s very helpful.
Humbled again. Returning to apprentice roots.
Apologies to those who think the earth is round. May I join you?
Tiro Ruth / *****
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