Erin wrote:
> Vickie wrote:
> > On Jul 3, 3:15=EF=BF=BDam, Erin <im906...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> > > Xorra wrote:
> > > > Erin wrote:
> > > > > Xorra wrote:
> > > > >> Mary_Gor...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
wrote:
> > > > >>> I think he is using you as a fall back - a place holder. You
ar=
e
> > > > >>> reliable, you are his security because he knows he can treat
yo=
u
> > > > >>> like complete crap, and you will still hold on.
> > >
> > > > >> You know, after one of Jen's posts, I started thinking about
thi=
s
> > > > >> more. =EF=BF=BDI have a friend sort of like Erin's husband.
=EF=
=BF=BDIt's a bit
> > > > >> different because we're just internet friends and are unlikely
t=
o
> > > > >> ever meet, much less stay together. =EF=BF=BDAlso, I've never
de=
scribed him
> > > > >> as my soul mate.
> > >
> > > > >> But our relation****p, while neither ***ual nor romantic, is
very
> > > > >> close, and if my husband asked me to give him up, I'd say no. =
=EF=BF=BDThat
> > > > >> seems ridiculous on the face of it -- give up a marriage to
talk=
on
> > > > >> the computer?!!! =EF=BF=BDUntil you remember how bad my
marriage=
has been.
> > > > >> And this guy, even though he is just a friend, gives me
somethin=
g
> > > > >> that I'm honestly not sure I ever got from my husband, which is
> > > > >> respect.
> > >
> > > > >> So I'm thinking that Erin's husband was not as happy during
thos=
e 25
> > > > >> years as she thought. =EF=BF=BDWhy would he say he was if he
was=
n't? =EF=BF=BDWell,
> > > > >> there are a few possibilities. =EF=BF=BDFirst of all, if he
real=
ly does have
> > > > >> Aspberger's, he might have been playing the role of a doting
hus=
band
> > > > >> as he understood it. Doing and saying the things he was
supposed=
to
> > > > >> do and say. =EF=BF=BDOr perhaps he was happy at first, and over
=
time the joy
> > > > >> left, and he kept up with the words out of habit. =EF=BF=BDOr
pe=
rhaps as he
> > > > >> got more unhappy, he tried doting on her more and more in hopes
=
of
> > > > >> bringing back the love. =EF=BF=BDOr perhaps Erin is editing,
and=
he did try
> > > > >> to tell her how unhappy he was, and she didn't hear it.
> > >
> > > > >> I can see how he would feel that Erin didn't believe in him.
=EF=
=BF=BDThat
> > > > >> she was just waiting for him to fail. =EF=BF=BDAlways on him
abo=
ut his meds
> > > > >> and not believing that he could ever be better, be whole, or
> > > > >> succeed. =EF=BF=BDEven when he lost weight, instead of
celebrati=
ng, she
> > > > >> decided he must be sick.
> > >
> > > > >> Now, Erin, I understand why you had to be on him about his
meds,=
and
> > > > >> why you were so nervous, wondering when he'd try another
suicide=
or
> > > > >> head banging or whatever. =EF=BF=BDI'm just trying to
understand=
how your
> > > > >> husband might be seeing it.
> > >
> > > > >> So, at a time of deep unhappiness for him, he met a woman who
gi=
ves
> > > > >> him something he needs. =EF=BF=BDPerhaps respect or belief in
hi=
m. =EF=BF=BDHis
> > > > >> co-workers don't think you should be jealous because they've
see=
n
> > > > >> that the two of them are just buddy buddy. =EF=BF=BDThe
therapis=
t thinks
> > > > >> you shouldn't be jealous because she understands the nature of
t=
heir
> > > > >> relation****p. =EF=BF=BDWhat I'm saying is that really
everything=
he's said
> > > > >> could be the truth. =EF=BF=BDAnd that his dependance on her
will=
only lessen
> > > > >> when you begin hearing what he really needs from you.
> > >
> > > > >> Xorra
> > >
> > > > > Perhaps Erin wasn't happy either; perhaps Erin was concerned
> > > > > when she got a stroke and her DH would not bother to call 911
and
> > > > > risked her life; perhaps Erin got tired of taking a depressed DH
> > > > > down from the noose, and saving him from every personal
> > > > > and medical crisis; perhaps Erin got tired or cooking, cleaning,
> > > > > cheerleading and helping him with him medical proglems;
> > > > > perhaps Erin stayed and gave and gave and gave
> > > > > until she could give no more?
> > >
> > > > Perhaps, but in that case, why does Erin describe the marriage as
i=
deal?
> > > > What you describe above sounds far from ideal. =EF=BF=BDI think it
=
would be very odd
> > > > for one partner to really be happy and the other really miserable.
=
=EF=BF=BDMaybe
> > > > your unhappiness was part of what was making him unhappy.
> > >
> > > > > Perhaps DH should have divorced
> > > > > Erin if he was unhappy with Erin, instead of hooking up with
> > > > > a soulmate and testing the waters, before dumping Erin, or
decidi=
ng
> > > > > that Erin is not so bad after all after, testing the Soulmate
> > > > > potential.
> > >
> > > > Again, you are assuming that he sees her as a girlfriend.
=EF=BF=BD=
Given that so
> > > > many people who know more than we do don't see it that way, then
it=
's just
> > > > possible that he doesn't, and that he doesn't, and never did have
a=
ny
> > > > intention to leave you for her.
> > >
> > > > Xorra
> > >
> > > Well, i didn't make that up -- he took off his wedding ring off, he
> > > went to
> > > visit her at her house after she left, she spent a week with him at
> > > his
> > > apt., he told me himself that he loved her (and me), he said she was
> > > the best friend in the world, he said he could talk to her and be
> > > close
> > > in a way that he could not with me, and he got her to call me to
tell
> > > me
> > > some cock n' bull story (about their relation****p) and she herself
> > > told
> > > me that they had a long, close relation****p because he was unhappy
> > > with his marriage. =EF=BF=BDAnd they still talk to each other every
d=
ay
> > > intimately,
> > > and not over practical, impersonal matters as we do now.
=EF=BF=BDAnd=
she is
> > > coming to stay with him this summer. =EF=BF=BDIf he hasn't slept
with=
her yet,
> > > i'm not going to oblige him by doing it for him. =EF=BF=BDQ.E.D.
> > >
> >
> > If you removed yourself from the situation, what would they have left,
> > I wonder?
> >
> > Maybe you being the scapegoat, the "problem" in all this, is the one
> > major thing that keeps them close.
> >
> > I mean, could you just go on about your life, do your thing, and say
> > **** it, I am not going to be the reason they stay together? Do you
> > think that might leave them with nothing to connect over and then it
> > may just fizzle out?
> >
> > Vickie
>
> I' m not sure, but I think you are referring to me and my husband?
> What would they do if i removed myself from the picture? Well, i sort
> of agree with Xorra, that from the very beginning my husband wanted
> a different kind of life-- more intellectual, more university style,
> less
> formal. I think that we started that way and moved on to a more
> formal
> arrangement. That's one factor i have not mentioned, but which i
> know that it may have contributed to his stress.
>
> As for his "soulmate"-- it is complicated, but like most affairs i am
> pretty sure that it started with a crush and moved one to love.
>
> Having said that, I am not going to treat him or her like monsters--
> that's human and happens to many people. What hurt me though,
> was the projection of his problems and his slandering of my
> character to his friends and co-workers. I was his beloved
> friend and sweetheart before her, but I think he could not tolerate
> the guilt so he made me the scapegoat. That is an offense which
> goes beyond marriage and is infact an assault on an innocent
> and dear friend of his - me.
>
> Nevertheless, at this point and after much sorrow and disappointment,
> I do want him to be happy because he deserves to be, after
> a rather miserable life due to many factors, struggling with
> depression
> in particular. So, I am letting him choose his way now without
> nagging
> and without interfering with his relation****ps. If that means that
> he
> chooses someone else over me because he is unhappy with me
> and my milieu, then so be it.
>
> Erin
In searching for the truth-- sometimes one never find it.
Every man has secrets which he will never reveal.
Erin
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