Vickie wrote:
> On Jul 3, 3:15=EF=BF=BDam, Erin <im906...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> > Xorra wrote:
> > > Erin wrote:
> > > > Xorra wrote:
> > > >> Mary_Gor...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
wrote:
> > > >>> I think he is using you as a fall back - a place holder. You are
> > > >>> reliable, you are his security because he knows he can treat you
> > > >>> like complete crap, and you will still hold on.
> >
> > > >> You know, after one of Jen's posts, I started thinking about this
> > > >> more. =EF=BF=BDI have a friend sort of like Erin's husband.
=EF=BF=
=BDIt's a bit
> > > >> different because we're just internet friends and are unlikely to
> > > >> ever meet, much less stay together. =EF=BF=BDAlso, I've never
desc=
ribed him
> > > >> as my soul mate.
> >
> > > >> But our relation****p, while neither ***ual nor romantic, is very
> > > >> close, and if my husband asked me to give him up, I'd say no.
=EF=
=BF=BDThat
> > > >> seems ridiculous on the face of it -- give up a marriage to talk
o=
n
> > > >> the computer?!!! =EF=BF=BDUntil you remember how bad my marriage
h=
as been.
> > > >> And this guy, even though he is just a friend, gives me something
> > > >> that I'm honestly not sure I ever got from my husband, which is
> > > >> respect.
> >
> > > >> So I'm thinking that Erin's husband was not as happy during those
=
25
> > > >> years as she thought. =EF=BF=BDWhy would he say he was if he
wasn'=
t? =EF=BF=BDWell,
> > > >> there are a few possibilities. =EF=BF=BDFirst of all, if he
really=
does have
> > > >> Aspberger's, he might have been playing the role of a doting
husba=
nd
> > > >> as he understood it. Doing and saying the things he was supposed
t=
o
> > > >> do and say. =EF=BF=BDOr perhaps he was happy at first, and over
ti=
me the joy
> > > >> left, and he kept up with the words out of habit. =EF=BF=BDOr
perh=
aps as he
> > > >> got more unhappy, he tried doting on her more and more in hopes
of
> > > >> bringing back the love. =EF=BF=BDOr perhaps Erin is editing, and
h=
e did try
> > > >> to tell her how unhappy he was, and she didn't hear it.
> >
> > > >> I can see how he would feel that Erin didn't believe in him. =EF=
=BF=BDThat
> > > >> she was just waiting for him to fail. =EF=BF=BDAlways on him
about=
his meds
> > > >> and not believing that he could ever be better, be whole, or
> > > >> succeed. =EF=BF=BDEven when he lost weight, instead of
celebrating=
, she
> > > >> decided he must be sick.
> >
> > > >> Now, Erin, I understand why you had to be on him about his meds,
a=
nd
> > > >> why you were so nervous, wondering when he'd try another suicide
o=
r
> > > >> head banging or whatever. =EF=BF=BDI'm just trying to understand
h=
ow your
> > > >> husband might be seeing it.
> >
> > > >> So, at a time of deep unhappiness for him, he met a woman who
give=
s
> > > >> him something he needs. =EF=BF=BDPerhaps respect or belief in
him.=
=EF=BF=BDHis
> > > >> co-workers don't think you should be jealous because they've seen
> > > >> that the two of them are just buddy buddy. =EF=BF=BDThe therapist
=
thinks
> > > >> you shouldn't be jealous because she understands the nature of
the=
ir
> > > >> relation****p. =EF=BF=BDWhat I'm saying is that really everything
h=
e's said
> > > >> could be the truth. =EF=BF=BDAnd that his dependance on her will
o=
nly lessen
> > > >> when you begin hearing what he really needs from you.
> >
> > > >> Xorra
> >
> > > > Perhaps Erin wasn't happy either; perhaps Erin was concerned
> > > > when she got a stroke and her DH would not bother to call 911 and
> > > > risked her life; perhaps Erin got tired of taking a depressed DH
> > > > down from the noose, and saving him from every personal
> > > > and medical crisis; perhaps Erin got tired or cooking, cleaning,
> > > > cheerleading and helping him with him medical proglems;
> > > > perhaps Erin stayed and gave and gave and gave
> > > > until she could give no more?
> >
> > > Perhaps, but in that case, why does Erin describe the marriage as
ide=
al?
> > > What you describe above sounds far from ideal. =EF=BF=BDI think it
wo=
uld be very odd
> > > for one partner to really be happy and the other really miserable. =
=EF=BF=BDMaybe
> > > your unhappiness was part of what was making him unhappy.
> >
> > > > Perhaps DH should have divorced
> > > > Erin if he was unhappy with Erin, instead of hooking up with
> > > > a soulmate and testing the waters, before dumping Erin, or
deciding
> > > > that Erin is not so bad after all after, testing the Soulmate
> > > > potential.
> >
> > > Again, you are assuming that he sees her as a girlfriend.
=EF=BF=BDGi=
ven that so
> > > many people who know more than we do don't see it that way, then
it's=
just
> > > possible that he doesn't, and that he doesn't, and never did have
any
> > > intention to leave you for her.
> >
> > > Xorra
> >
> > Well, i didn't make that up -- he took off his wedding ring off, he
> > went to
> > visit her at her house after she left, she spent a week with him at
> > his
> > apt., he told me himself that he loved her (and me), he said she was
> > the best friend in the world, he said he could talk to her and be
> > close
> > in a way that he could not with me, and he got her to call me to tell
> > me
> > some cock n' bull story (about their relation****p) and she herself
> > told
> > me that they had a long, close relation****p because he was unhappy
> > with his marriage. =EF=BF=BDAnd they still talk to each other every
day
> > intimately,
> > and not over practical, impersonal matters as we do now. =EF=BF=BDAnd
s=
he is
> > coming to stay with him this summer. =EF=BF=BDIf he hasn't slept with
h=
er yet,
> > i'm not going to oblige him by doing it for him. =EF=BF=BDQ.E.D.
> >
>
> If you removed yourself from the situation, what would they have left,
> I wonder?
>
> Maybe you being the scapegoat, the "problem" in all this, is the one
> major thing that keeps them close.
>
> I mean, could you just go on about your life, do your thing, and say
> **** it, I am not going to be the reason they stay together? Do you
> think that might leave them with nothing to connect over and then it
> may just fizzle out?
>
> Vickie
I' m not sure, but I think you are referring to me and my husband?
What would they do if i removed myself from the picture? Well, i sort
of agree with Xorra, that from the very beginning my husband wanted
a different kind of life-- more intellectual, more university style,
less
formal. I think that we started that way and moved on to a more
formal
arrangement. That's one factor i have not mentioned, but which i
know that it may have contributed to his stress.
As for his "soulmate"-- it is complicated, but like most affairs i am
pretty sure that it started with a crush and moved one to love.
Having said that, I am not going to treat him or her like monsters--
that's human and happens to many people. What hurt me though,
was the projection of his problems and his slandering of my
character to his friends and co-workers. I was his beloved
friend and sweetheart before her, but I think he could not tolerate
the guilt so he made me the scapegoat. That is an offense which
goes beyond marriage and is infact an assault on an innocent
and dear friend of his - me.
Nevertheless, at this point and after much sorrow and disappointment,
I do want him to be happy because he deserves to be, after
a rather miserable life due to many factors, struggling with
depression
in particular. So, I am letting him choose his way now without
nagging
and without interfering with his relation****ps. If that means that
he
chooses someone else over me because he is unhappy with me
and my milieu, then so be it.
Erin
|
