On Jul 3, 3:15=A0am, Erin <im906...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> Xorra wrote:
> > Erin wrote:
> > > Xorra wrote:
> > >> Mary_Gor...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
wrote:
> > >>> I think he is using you as a fall back - a place holder. You are
> > >>> reliable, you are his security because he knows he can treat you
> > >>> like complete crap, and you will still hold on.
>
> > >> You know, after one of Jen's posts, I started thinking about this
> > >> more. =A0I have a friend sort of like Erin's husband. =A0It's a bit
> > >> different because we're just internet friends and are unlikely to
> > >> ever meet, much less stay together. =A0Also, I've never described
hi=
m
> > >> as my soul mate.
>
> > >> But our relation****p, while neither ***ual nor romantic, is very
> > >> close, and if my husband asked me to give him up, I'd say no.
=A0Tha=
t
> > >> seems ridiculous on the face of it -- give up a marriage to talk on
> > >> the computer?!!! =A0Until you remember how bad my marriage has
been.
> > >> And this guy, even though he is just a friend, gives me something
> > >> that I'm honestly not sure I ever got from my husband, which is
> > >> respect.
>
> > >> So I'm thinking that Erin's husband was not as happy during those
25
> > >> years as she thought. =A0Why would he say he was if he wasn't?
=A0We=
ll,
> > >> there are a few possibilities. =A0First of all, if he really does
ha=
ve
> > >> Aspberger's, he might have been playing the role of a doting
husband
> > >> as he understood it. Doing and saying the things he was supposed to
> > >> do and say. =A0Or perhaps he was happy at first, and over time the
j=
oy
> > >> left, and he kept up with the words out of habit. =A0Or perhaps as
h=
e
> > >> got more unhappy, he tried doting on her more and more in hopes of
> > >> bringing back the love. =A0Or perhaps Erin is editing, and he did
tr=
y
> > >> to tell her how unhappy he was, and she didn't hear it.
>
> > >> I can see how he would feel that Erin didn't believe in him.
=A0That
> > >> she was just waiting for him to fail. =A0Always on him about his
med=
s
> > >> and not believing that he could ever be better, be whole, or
> > >> succeed. =A0Even when he lost weight, instead of celebrating, she
> > >> decided he must be sick.
>
> > >> Now, Erin, I understand why you had to be on him about his meds,
and
> > >> why you were so nervous, wondering when he'd try another suicide or
> > >> head banging or whatever. =A0I'm just trying to understand how your
> > >> husband might be seeing it.
>
> > >> So, at a time of deep unhappiness for him, he met a woman who gives
> > >> him something he needs. =A0Perhaps respect or belief in him. =A0His
> > >> co-workers don't think you should be jealous because they've seen
> > >> that the two of them are just buddy buddy. =A0The therapist thinks
> > >> you shouldn't be jealous because she understands the nature of
their
> > >> relation****p. =A0What I'm saying is that really everything he's
said
> > >> could be the truth. =A0And that his dependance on her will only
less=
en
> > >> when you begin hearing what he really needs from you.
>
> > >> Xorra
>
> > > Perhaps Erin wasn't happy either; perhaps Erin was concerned
> > > when she got a stroke and her DH would not bother to call 911 and
> > > risked her life; perhaps Erin got tired of taking a depressed DH
> > > down from the noose, and saving him from every personal
> > > and medical crisis; perhaps Erin got tired or cooking, cleaning,
> > > cheerleading and helping him with him medical proglems;
> > > perhaps Erin stayed and gave and gave and gave
> > > until she could give no more?
>
> > Perhaps, but in that case, why does Erin describe the marriage as
ideal=
?
> > What you describe above sounds far from ideal. =A0I think it would be
v=
ery odd
> > for one partner to really be happy and the other really miserable.
=A0M=
aybe
> > your unhappiness was part of what was making him unhappy.
>
> > > Perhaps DH should have divorced
> > > Erin if he was unhappy with Erin, instead of hooking up with
> > > a soulmate and testing the waters, before dumping Erin, or deciding
> > > that Erin is not so bad after all after, testing the Soulmate
> > > potential.
>
> > Again, you are assuming that he sees her as a girlfriend. =A0Given
that=
so
> > many people who know more than we do don't see it that way, then it's
j=
ust
> > possible that he doesn't, and that he doesn't, and never did have any
> > intention to leave you for her.
>
> > Xorra
>
> Well, i didn't make that up -- he took off his wedding ring off, he
> went to
> visit her at her house after she left, she spent a week with him at
> his
> apt., he told me himself that he loved her (and me), he said she was
> the best friend in the world, he said he could talk to her and be
> close
> in a way that he could not with me, and he got her to call me to tell
> me
> some cock n' bull story (about their relation****p) and she herself
> told
> me that they had a long, close relation****p because he was unhappy
> with his marriage. =A0And they still talk to each other every day
> intimately,
> and not over practical, impersonal matters as we do now. =A0And she is
> coming to stay with him this summer. =A0If he hasn't slept with her yet,
> i'm not going to oblige him by doing it for him. =A0Q.E.D.
>
If you removed yourself from the situation, what would they have left,
I wonder?
Maybe you being the scapegoat, the "problem" in all this, is the one
major thing that keeps them close.
I mean, could you just go on about your life, do your thing, and say
**** it, I am not going to be the reason they stay together? Do you
think that might leave them with nothing to connect over and then it
may just fizzle out?
Vickie
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