Xorra wrote:
> Erin wrote:
> > Xorra wrote:
> >> Erin wrote:
> >>> Xorra wrote:
> >>>> Mary_Gordon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
wrote:
> >>>>> I think he is using you as a fall back - a place holder. You are
> >>>>> reliable, you are his security because he knows he can treat you
> >>>>> like complete crap, and you will still hold on.
> >>>>
> >>>> You know, after one of Jen's posts, I started thinking about this
> >>>> more. I have a friend sort of like Erin's husband. It's a bit
> >>>> different because we're just internet friends and are unlikely to
> >>>> ever meet, much less stay together. Also, I've never described him
> >>>> as my soul mate.
> >>>>
> >>>> But our relation****p, while neither ***ual nor romantic, is very
> >>>> close, and if my husband asked me to give him up, I'd say no. That
> >>>> seems ridiculous on the face of it -- give up a marriage to talk on
> >>>> the computer?!!! Until you remember how bad my marriage has been.
> >>>> And this guy, even though he is just a friend, gives me something
> >>>> that I'm honestly not sure I ever got from my husband, which is
> >>>> respect.
> >>>>
> >>>> So I'm thinking that Erin's husband was not as happy during those
> >>>> 25 years as she thought. Why would he say he was if he wasn't?
> >>>> Well, there are a few possibilities. First of all, if he really
> >>>> does have Aspberger's, he might have been playing the role of a
> >>>> doting husband as he understood it. Doing and saying the things he
> >>>> was supposed to do and say. Or perhaps he was happy at first, and
> >>>> over time the joy left, and he kept up with the words out of
> >>>> habit. Or perhaps as he got more unhappy, he tried doting on her
> >>>> more and more in hopes of bringing back the love. Or perhaps Erin
> >>>> is editing, and he did try to tell her how unhappy he was, and she
> >>>> didn't hear it.
> >>>>
> >>>> I can see how he would feel that Erin didn't believe in him. That
> >>>> she was just waiting for him to fail. Always on him about his meds
> >>>> and not believing that he could ever be better, be whole, or
> >>>> succeed. Even when he lost weight, instead of celebrating, she
> >>>> decided he must be sick.
> >>>>
> >>>> Now, Erin, I understand why you had to be on him about his meds,
> >>>> and why you were so nervous, wondering when he'd try another
> >>>> suicide or head banging or whatever. I'm just trying to
> >>>> understand how your husband might be seeing it.
> >>>>
> >>>> So, at a time of deep unhappiness for him, he met a woman who gives
> >>>> him something he needs. Perhaps respect or belief in him. His
> >>>> co-workers don't think you should be jealous because they've seen
> >>>> that the two of them are just buddy buddy. The therapist thinks
> >>>> you shouldn't be jealous because she understands the nature of
> >>>> their relation****p. What I'm saying is that really everything
> >>>> he's said could be the truth. And that his dependance on her will
> >>>> only lessen when you begin hearing what he really needs from you.
> >>>>
> >>>> Xorra
> >>>
> >>> Perhaps Erin wasn't happy either; perhaps Erin was concerned
> >>> when she got a stroke and her DH would not bother to call 911 and
> >>> risked her life; perhaps Erin got tired of taking a depressed DH
> >>> down from the noose, and saving him from every personal
> >>> and medical crisis; perhaps Erin got tired or cooking, cleaning,
> >>> cheerleading and helping him with him medical proglems;
> >>> perhaps Erin stayed and gave and gave and gave
> >>> until she could give no more?
> >>
> >> Perhaps, but in that case, why does Erin describe the marriage as
> >> ideal? What you describe above sounds far from ideal. I think it
> >> would be very odd for one partner to really be happy and the other
> >> really miserable. Maybe your unhappiness was part of what was
> >> making him unhappy.
> >>
> >>> Perhaps DH should have divorced
> >>> Erin if he was unhappy with Erin, instead of hooking up with
> >>> a soulmate and testing the waters, before dumping Erin, or deciding
> >>> that Erin is not so bad after all after, testing the Soulmate
> >>> potential.
> >>
> >> Again, you are assuming that he sees her as a girlfriend. Given
> >> that so many people who know more than we do don't see it that way,
> >> then it's just possible that he doesn't, and that he doesn't, and
> >> never did have any intention to leave you for her.
> >>
> >> Xorra
> >
> > Well, i didn't make that up -- he took off his wedding ring off, he
> > went to
> > visit her at her house after she left, she spent a week with him at
> > his
> > apt., he told me himself that he loved her (and me), he said she was
> > the best friend in the world, he said he could talk to her and be
> > close
> > in a way that he could not with me, and he got her to call me to tell
> > me
> > some cock n' bull story (about their relation****p) and she herself
> > told
> > me that they had a long, close relation****p because he was unhappy
> > with his marriage. And they still talk to each other every day
> > intimately,
> > and not over practical, impersonal matters as we do now. And she is
> > coming to stay with him this summer. If he hasn't slept with her yet,
> > i'm not going to oblige him by doing it for him. Q.E.D.
> >
> > Erin
>
> None of this is incompatible with my interpretation of things.
>
> Xorra
The OW was hired in 2000 and met in 1999 -- ok that 7-8 yrs.
and we have been together for 30 -- so, i'm off a few years, but
generally those were the critical stages in the marriage.
Erin
|
