In
news:b66c2365-2216-492b-b961-976da13b7eac@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
<im906768@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> mused:
> AllYou! wrote:
>> In
>> news:bdf363ea-b53e-437f-aae2-f5d2abc64cb1@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>> Erin <im906768@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> mused:
>>> AllYou! wrote:
>>>> In
>>>>
news:cd92cdcf-2e1e-418d-b6e5-ef6b5cb09901@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>>>> Erin <im906768@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> mused:
>>>>> Xorra wrote:
>>>>>> Erin wrote:
>>>>>>> Xorra wrote:
>>>>>>>> Mary_Gordon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
wrote:
>>>>>>>>> I think he is using you as a fall back - a place holder.
>>>>>>>>> You are reliable, you are his security because he knows
>>>>>>>>> he can treat you like complete crap, and you will still
>>>>>>>>> hold on.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> You know, after one of Jen's posts, I started thinking
>>>>>>>> about this more. I have a friend sort of like Erin's
>>>>>>>> husband. It's a bit different because we're just internet
>>>>>>>> friends and are unlikely to ever meet, much less stay
>>>>>>>> together. Also, I've never described him as my soul mate.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> But our relation****p, while neither ***ual nor romantic,
>>>>>>>> is very close, and if my husband asked me to give him up,
>>>>>>>> I'd say no. That seems ridiculous on the face of it --
>>>>>>>> give up a marriage to talk on the computer?!!! Until you
>>>>>>>> remember how bad my marriage has been. And this guy, even
>>>>>>>> though he is just a friend, gives me something that I'm
>>>>>>>> honestly not sure I ever got from my husband, which is
>>>>>>>> respect.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> So I'm thinking that Erin's husband was not as happy
>>>>>>>> during those 25 years as she thought. Why would he say
>>>>>>>> he was if he wasn't? Well, there are a few
>>>>>>>> possibilities. First of all, if he really does have
>>>>>>>> Aspberger's, he might have been playing the role of a
>>>>>>>> doting husband as he understood it. Doing and saying the
>>>>>>>> things he was supposed to do and say. Or perhaps he was
>>>>>>>> happy at first, and over time the joy left, and he kept
>>>>>>>> up with the words out of habit. Or perhaps as he got
>>>>>>>> more unhappy, he tried doting on her more and more in
>>>>>>>> hopes of bringing back the love. Or perhaps Erin is
>>>>>>>> editing, and he did try to tell her how unhappy he was,
>>>>>>>> and she didn't hear it.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> I can see how he would feel that Erin didn't believe in
>>>>>>>> him. That she was just waiting for him to fail. Always
>>>>>>>> on him about his meds and not believing that he could
>>>>>>>> ever be better, be whole, or succeed. Even when he lost
>>>>>>>> weight, instead of celebrating, she decided he must be
>>>>>>>> sick.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Now, Erin, I understand why you had to be on him about his
>>>>>>>> meds, and why you were so nervous, wondering when he'd try
>>>>>>>> another suicide or head banging or whatever. I'm just
>>>>>>>> trying to understand how your husband might be seeing it.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> So, at a time of deep unhappiness for him, he met a woman
>>>>>>>> who gives him something he needs. Perhaps respect or
>>>>>>>> belief in him. His co-workers don't think you should be
>>>>>>>> jealous because they've seen that the two of them are just
>>>>>>>> buddy buddy. The therapist thinks you shouldn't be
>>>>>>>> jealous because she understands the nature of their
>>>>>>>> relation****p. What I'm saying is that really everything
>>>>>>>> he's said could be the truth. And that his dependance on
>>>>>>>> her will only lessen when you begin hearing what he
>>>>>>>> really needs from you.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Xorra
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Perhaps Erin wasn't happy either; perhaps Erin was
>>>>>>> concerned when she got a stroke and her DH would not
>>>>>>> bother to call 911 and risked her life; perhaps Erin got
>>>>>>> tired of taking a depressed DH down from the noose, and
>>>>>>> saving him from every personal
>>>>>>> and medical crisis; perhaps Erin got tired or cooking,
>>>>>>> cleaning, cheerleading and helping him with him medical
>>>>>>> proglems;
>>>>>>> perhaps Erin stayed and gave and gave and gave
>>>>>>> until she could give no more?
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Perhaps, but in that case, why does Erin describe the
>>>>>> marriage as ideal? What you describe above sounds far from
>>>>>> ideal. I think it would be very odd for one partner to
>>>>>> really be happy and the other really miserable. Maybe your
>>>>>> unhappiness was part of what was making him unhappy.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Perhaps DH should have divorced
>>>>>>> Erin if he was unhappy with Erin, instead of hooking up
>>>>>>> with a soulmate and testing the waters, before dumping
>>>>>>> Erin, or deciding that Erin is not so bad after all after,
>>>>>>> testing the Soulmate potential.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Again, you are assuming that he sees her as a girlfriend.
>>>>>> Given that so many people who know more than we do don't see
>>>>>> it that way, then it's just possible that he doesn't, and
>>>>>> that he doesn't, and never did have any intention to leave
>>>>>> you for her.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Xorra
>>>>>
>>>>> Well, i didn't make that up -- he took off his wedding ring
>>>>> off, he went to
>>>>> visit her at her house after she left, she spent a week with
>>>>> him at his
>>>>> apt., he told me himself that he loved her (and me), he said
>>>>> she was the best friend in the world, he said he could talk
>>>>> to her and be close
>>>>> in a way that he could not with me, and he got her to call me
>>>>> to tell me
>>>>> some cock n' bull story (about their relation****p) and she
>>>>> herself told
>>>>> me that they had a long, close relation****p because he was
>>>>> unhappy with his marriage. And they still talk to each other
>>>>> every day intimately,
>>>>> and not over practical, impersonal matters as we do now. And
>>>>> she is coming to stay with him this summer. If he hasn't
>>>>> slept with her yet, i'm not going to oblige him by doing it
>>>>> for him. Q.E.D.
>>>>
>>>> Amazingly, you then say that you have to take him at face
>>>> value because his counselor does.
>>>
>>> That's right. I promised to cooperate with his psychologist
>>> who recommended that we see a marriage counsellor. Our
>>> counsellor hears both stories and makes an *****sment
>>> on how salvageable the marriage is. Presumably they
>>> have quite a bit of experience of all kinds of marital
>>> problems. What my perception of the situation is, is not
>>> necessarily everybody else's.
>>
>> Except that you say that he lies to his counselor.
>>
>>> I may be wrong about my interpretation. As I said earlier,
>>> different people I have spoken to about this have a great
>>> diversity in opinion. I may not be trying hard enough.
>>> Isn't that why counsellors are recommended-- to guide
>>> you in options and interpretations?
>>
>> Absolutely.
>
> So? Maybe that's the way of the world.
So just for the sake of trying to acheive some small degree of
clarity, does this now mean that you are willing to accept what the
counselors tell you?
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