Erin wrote:
> Xorra wrote:
>> Erin wrote:
>>> Xorra wrote:
>>>> Mary_Gordon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
wrote:
>>>>> I think he is using you as a fall back - a place holder. You are
>>>>> reliable, you are his security because he knows he can treat you
>>>>> like complete crap, and you will still hold on.
>>>>
>>>> You know, after one of Jen's posts, I started thinking about this
>>>> more. I have a friend sort of like Erin's husband. It's a bit
>>>> different because we're just internet friends and are unlikely to
>>>> ever meet, much less stay together. Also, I've never described him
>>>> as my soul mate.
>>>>
>>>> But our relation****p, while neither ***ual nor romantic, is very
>>>> close, and if my husband asked me to give him up, I'd say no. That
>>>> seems ridiculous on the face of it -- give up a marriage to talk on
>>>> the computer?!!! Until you remember how bad my marriage has been.
>>>> And this guy, even though he is just a friend, gives me something
>>>> that I'm honestly not sure I ever got from my husband, which is
>>>> respect.
>>>>
>>>> So I'm thinking that Erin's husband was not as happy during those
>>>> 25 years as she thought. Why would he say he was if he wasn't?
>>>> Well, there are a few possibilities. First of all, if he really
>>>> does have Aspberger's, he might have been playing the role of a
>>>> doting husband as he understood it. Doing and saying the things he
>>>> was supposed to do and say. Or perhaps he was happy at first, and
>>>> over time the joy left, and he kept up with the words out of
>>>> habit. Or perhaps as he got more unhappy, he tried doting on her
>>>> more and more in hopes of bringing back the love. Or perhaps Erin
>>>> is editing, and he did try to tell her how unhappy he was, and she
>>>> didn't hear it.
>>>>
>>>> I can see how he would feel that Erin didn't believe in him. That
>>>> she was just waiting for him to fail. Always on him about his meds
>>>> and not believing that he could ever be better, be whole, or
>>>> succeed. Even when he lost weight, instead of celebrating, she
>>>> decided he must be sick.
>>>>
>>>> Now, Erin, I understand why you had to be on him about his meds,
>>>> and why you were so nervous, wondering when he'd try another
>>>> suicide or head banging or whatever. I'm just trying to
>>>> understand how your husband might be seeing it.
>>>>
>>>> So, at a time of deep unhappiness for him, he met a woman who gives
>>>> him something he needs. Perhaps respect or belief in him. His
>>>> co-workers don't think you should be jealous because they've seen
>>>> that the two of them are just buddy buddy. The therapist thinks
>>>> you shouldn't be jealous because she understands the nature of
>>>> their relation****p. What I'm saying is that really everything
>>>> he's said could be the truth. And that his dependance on her will
>>>> only lessen when you begin hearing what he really needs from you.
>>>>
>>>> Xorra
>>>
>>> Perhaps Erin wasn't happy either; perhaps Erin was concerned
>>> when she got a stroke and her DH would not bother to call 911 and
>>> risked her life; perhaps Erin got tired of taking a depressed DH
>>> down from the noose, and saving him from every personal
>>> and medical crisis; perhaps Erin got tired or cooking, cleaning,
>>> cheerleading and helping him with him medical proglems;
>>> perhaps Erin stayed and gave and gave and gave
>>> until she could give no more?
>>
>> Perhaps, but in that case, why does Erin describe the marriage as
>> ideal? What you describe above sounds far from ideal. I think it
>> would be very odd for one partner to really be happy and the other
>> really miserable. Maybe your unhappiness was part of what was
>> making him unhappy.
>>
>>> Perhaps DH should have divorced
>>> Erin if he was unhappy with Erin, instead of hooking up with
>>> a soulmate and testing the waters, before dumping Erin, or deciding
>>> that Erin is not so bad after all after, testing the Soulmate
>>> potential.
>>
>> Again, you are assuming that he sees her as a girlfriend. Given
>> that so many people who know more than we do don't see it that way,
>> then it's just possible that he doesn't, and that he doesn't, and
>> never did have any intention to leave you for her.
>>
>> Xorra
>
> Well, i didn't make that up -- he took off his wedding ring off, he
> went to
> visit her at her house after she left, she spent a week with him at
> his
> apt., he told me himself that he loved her (and me), he said she was
> the best friend in the world, he said he could talk to her and be
> close
> in a way that he could not with me, and he got her to call me to tell
> me
> some cock n' bull story (about their relation****p) and she herself
> told
> me that they had a long, close relation****p because he was unhappy
> with his marriage. And they still talk to each other every day
> intimately,
> and not over practical, impersonal matters as we do now. And she is
> coming to stay with him this summer. If he hasn't slept with her yet,
> i'm not going to oblige him by doing it for him. Q.E.D.
>
> Erin
None of this is incompatible with my interpretation of things.
Xorra
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