AllYou! wrote:
> In
> news:bdf363ea-b53e-437f-aae2-f5d2abc64cb1@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> Erin <im906768@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> mused:
> > AllYou! wrote:
> >> In
> >>
news:cd92cdcf-2e1e-418d-b6e5-ef6b5cb09901@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> >> Erin <im906768@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> mused:
> >>> Xorra wrote:
> >>>> Erin wrote:
> >>>>> Xorra wrote:
> >>>>>> Mary_Gordon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
wrote:
> >>>>>>> I think he is using you as a fall back - a place holder.
> >>>>>>> You are reliable, you are his security because he knows he
> >>>>>>> can treat you like complete crap, and you will still hold
> >>>>>>> on.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> You know, after one of Jen's posts, I started thinking about
> >>>>>> this more. I have a friend sort of like Erin's husband.
> >>>>>> It's a bit different because we're just internet friends and
> >>>>>> are unlikely to ever meet, much less stay together. Also,
> >>>>>> I've never described him as my soul mate.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> But our relation****p, while neither ***ual nor romantic, is
> >>>>>> very close, and if my husband asked me to give him up, I'd
> >>>>>> say no. That seems ridiculous on the face of it -- give up
> >>>>>> a marriage to talk on the computer?!!! Until you remember
> >>>>>> how bad my marriage has been. And this guy, even though he
> >>>>>> is just a friend, gives me something that I'm honestly not
> >>>>>> sure I ever got from my husband, which is respect.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> So I'm thinking that Erin's husband was not as happy during
> >>>>>> those 25 years as she thought. Why would he say he was if
> >>>>>> he wasn't? Well, there are a few possibilities. First of
> >>>>>> all, if he really does have Aspberger's, he might have been
> >>>>>> playing the role of a doting husband as he understood it.
> >>>>>> Doing and saying the things he was supposed to do and say.
> >>>>>> Or perhaps he was happy at first, and over time the joy
> >>>>>> left, and he kept up with the words out of habit. Or
> >>>>>> perhaps as he got more unhappy, he tried doting on her more
> >>>>>> and more in hopes of bringing back the love. Or perhaps
> >>>>>> Erin is editing, and he did try to tell her how unhappy he
> >>>>>> was, and she didn't hear it.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> I can see how he would feel that Erin didn't believe in him.
> >>>>>> That she was just waiting for him to fail. Always on him
> >>>>>> about his meds and not believing that he could ever be
> >>>>>> better, be whole, or succeed. Even when he lost weight,
> >>>>>> instead of celebrating, she decided he must be sick.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Now, Erin, I understand why you had to be on him about his
> >>>>>> meds, and why you were so nervous, wondering when he'd try
> >>>>>> another suicide or head banging or whatever. I'm just
> >>>>>> trying to understand how your husband might be seeing it.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> So, at a time of deep unhappiness for him, he met a woman
> >>>>>> who gives him something he needs. Perhaps respect or
> >>>>>> belief in him. His co-workers don't think you should be
> >>>>>> jealous because they've seen that the two of them are just
> >>>>>> buddy buddy. The therapist thinks you shouldn't be jealous
> >>>>>> because she understands the nature of their relation****p.
> >>>>>> What I'm saying is that really everything he's said could
> >>>>>> be the truth. And that his dependance on her will only
> >>>>>> lessen when you begin hearing what he really needs from you.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Xorra
> >>>>>
> >>>>> Perhaps Erin wasn't happy either; perhaps Erin was concerned
> >>>>> when she got a stroke and her DH would not bother to call 911
> >>>>> and risked her life; perhaps Erin got tired of taking a
> >>>>> depressed DH down from the noose, and saving him from every
> >>>>> personal
> >>>>> and medical crisis; perhaps Erin got tired or cooking,
> >>>>> cleaning, cheerleading and helping him with him medical
> >>>>> proglems;
> >>>>> perhaps Erin stayed and gave and gave and gave
> >>>>> until she could give no more?
> >>>>
> >>>> Perhaps, but in that case, why does Erin describe the marriage
> >>>> as ideal? What you describe above sounds far from ideal. I
> >>>> think it would be very odd for one partner to really be happy
> >>>> and the other really miserable. Maybe your unhappiness was
> >>>> part of what was making him unhappy.
> >>>>
> >>>>> Perhaps DH should have divorced
> >>>>> Erin if he was unhappy with Erin, instead of hooking up with
> >>>>> a soulmate and testing the waters, before dumping Erin, or
> >>>>> deciding that Erin is not so bad after all after, testing the
> >>>>> Soulmate potential.
> >>>>
> >>>> Again, you are assuming that he sees her as a girlfriend.
> >>>> Given that so many people who know more than we do don't see
> >>>> it that way, then it's just possible that he doesn't, and
> >>>> that he doesn't, and never did have any intention to leave
> >>>> you for her.
> >>>>
> >>>> Xorra
> >>>
> >>> Well, i didn't make that up -- he took off his wedding ring
> >>> off, he went to
> >>> visit her at her house after she left, she spent a week with
> >>> him at his
> >>> apt., he told me himself that he loved her (and me), he said
> >>> she was the best friend in the world, he said he could talk to
> >>> her and be close
> >>> in a way that he could not with me, and he got her to call me
> >>> to tell me
> >>> some cock n' bull story (about their relation****p) and she
> >>> herself told
> >>> me that they had a long, close relation****p because he was
> >>> unhappy with his marriage. And they still talk to each other
> >>> every day intimately,
> >>> and not over practical, impersonal matters as we do now. And
> >>> she is coming to stay with him this summer. If he hasn't slept
> >>> with her yet, i'm not going to oblige him by doing it for him.
> >>> Q.E.D.
> >>
> >> Amazingly, you then say that you have to take him at face value
> >> because his counselor does.
> >
> > That's right. I promised to cooperate with his psychologist
> > who recommended that we see a marriage counsellor. Our
> > counsellor hears both stories and makes an *****sment
> > on how salvageable the marriage is. Presumably they
> > have quite a bit of experience of all kinds of marital problems.
> > What my perception of the situation is, is not necessarily
> > everybody else's.
>
> Except that you say that he lies to his counselor.
>
> > I may be wrong about my interpretation. As I said earlier,
> > different people I have spoken to about this have a great
> > diversity in opinion. I may not be trying hard enough.
> > Isn't that why counsellors are recommended-- to guide
> > you in options and interpretations?
>
> Absolutely.
So? Maybe that's the way of the world.
Erin
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