In
news:bdf363ea-b53e-437f-aae2-f5d2abc64cb1@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
<im906768@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> mused:
> AllYou! wrote:
>> In
>> news:cd92cdcf-2e1e-418d-b6e5-ef6b5cb09901@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>> Erin <im906768@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> mused:
>>> Xorra wrote:
>>>> Erin wrote:
>>>>> Xorra wrote:
>>>>>> Mary_Gordon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
wrote:
>>>>>>> I think he is using you as a fall back - a place holder.
>>>>>>> You are reliable, you are his security because he knows he
>>>>>>> can treat you like complete crap, and you will still hold
>>>>>>> on.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> You know, after one of Jen's posts, I started thinking about
>>>>>> this more. I have a friend sort of like Erin's husband.
>>>>>> It's a bit different because we're just internet friends and
>>>>>> are unlikely to ever meet, much less stay together. Also,
>>>>>> I've never described him as my soul mate.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> But our relation****p, while neither ***ual nor romantic, is
>>>>>> very close, and if my husband asked me to give him up, I'd
>>>>>> say no. That seems ridiculous on the face of it -- give up
>>>>>> a marriage to talk on the computer?!!! Until you remember
>>>>>> how bad my marriage has been. And this guy, even though he
>>>>>> is just a friend, gives me something that I'm honestly not
>>>>>> sure I ever got from my husband, which is respect.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> So I'm thinking that Erin's husband was not as happy during
>>>>>> those 25 years as she thought. Why would he say he was if
>>>>>> he wasn't? Well, there are a few possibilities. First of
>>>>>> all, if he really does have Aspberger's, he might have been
>>>>>> playing the role of a doting husband as he understood it.
>>>>>> Doing and saying the things he was supposed to do and say.
>>>>>> Or perhaps he was happy at first, and over time the joy
>>>>>> left, and he kept up with the words out of habit. Or
>>>>>> perhaps as he got more unhappy, he tried doting on her more
>>>>>> and more in hopes of bringing back the love. Or perhaps
>>>>>> Erin is editing, and he did try to tell her how unhappy he
>>>>>> was, and she didn't hear it.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I can see how he would feel that Erin didn't believe in him.
>>>>>> That she was just waiting for him to fail. Always on him
>>>>>> about his meds and not believing that he could ever be
>>>>>> better, be whole, or succeed. Even when he lost weight,
>>>>>> instead of celebrating, she decided he must be sick.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Now, Erin, I understand why you had to be on him about his
>>>>>> meds, and why you were so nervous, wondering when he'd try
>>>>>> another suicide or head banging or whatever. I'm just
>>>>>> trying to understand how your husband might be seeing it.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> So, at a time of deep unhappiness for him, he met a woman
>>>>>> who gives him something he needs. Perhaps respect or
>>>>>> belief in him. His co-workers don't think you should be
>>>>>> jealous because they've seen that the two of them are just
>>>>>> buddy buddy. The therapist thinks you shouldn't be jealous
>>>>>> because she understands the nature of their relation****p.
>>>>>> What I'm saying is that really everything he's said could
>>>>>> be the truth. And that his dependance on her will only
>>>>>> lessen when you begin hearing what he really needs from you.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Xorra
>>>>>
>>>>> Perhaps Erin wasn't happy either; perhaps Erin was concerned
>>>>> when she got a stroke and her DH would not bother to call 911
>>>>> and risked her life; perhaps Erin got tired of taking a
>>>>> depressed DH down from the noose, and saving him from every
>>>>> personal
>>>>> and medical crisis; perhaps Erin got tired or cooking,
>>>>> cleaning, cheerleading and helping him with him medical
>>>>> proglems;
>>>>> perhaps Erin stayed and gave and gave and gave
>>>>> until she could give no more?
>>>>
>>>> Perhaps, but in that case, why does Erin describe the marriage
>>>> as ideal? What you describe above sounds far from ideal. I
>>>> think it would be very odd for one partner to really be happy
>>>> and the other really miserable. Maybe your unhappiness was
>>>> part of what was making him unhappy.
>>>>
>>>>> Perhaps DH should have divorced
>>>>> Erin if he was unhappy with Erin, instead of hooking up with
>>>>> a soulmate and testing the waters, before dumping Erin, or
>>>>> deciding that Erin is not so bad after all after, testing the
>>>>> Soulmate potential.
>>>>
>>>> Again, you are assuming that he sees her as a girlfriend.
>>>> Given that so many people who know more than we do don't see
>>>> it that way, then it's just possible that he doesn't, and
>>>> that he doesn't, and never did have any intention to leave
>>>> you for her.
>>>>
>>>> Xorra
>>>
>>> Well, i didn't make that up -- he took off his wedding ring
>>> off, he went to
>>> visit her at her house after she left, she spent a week with
>>> him at his
>>> apt., he told me himself that he loved her (and me), he said
>>> she was the best friend in the world, he said he could talk to
>>> her and be close
>>> in a way that he could not with me, and he got her to call me
>>> to tell me
>>> some cock n' bull story (about their relation****p) and she
>>> herself told
>>> me that they had a long, close relation****p because he was
>>> unhappy with his marriage. And they still talk to each other
>>> every day intimately,
>>> and not over practical, impersonal matters as we do now. And
>>> she is coming to stay with him this summer. If he hasn't slept
>>> with her yet, i'm not going to oblige him by doing it for him.
>>> Q.E.D.
>>
>> Amazingly, you then say that you have to take him at face value
>> because his counselor does.
>
> That's right. I promised to cooperate with his psychologist
> who recommended that we see a marriage counsellor. Our
> counsellor hears both stories and makes an *****sment
> on how salvageable the marriage is. Presumably they
> have quite a bit of experience of all kinds of marital problems.
> What my perception of the situation is, is not necessarily
> everybody else's.
Except that you say that he lies to his counselor.
> I may be wrong about my interpretation. As I said earlier,
> different people I have spoken to about this have a great
> diversity in opinion. I may not be trying hard enough.
> Isn't that why counsellors are recommended-- to guide
> you in options and interpretations?
Absolutely.
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