AllYou! wrote:
> In
> news:cd92cdcf-2e1e-418d-b6e5-ef6b5cb09901@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> Erin <im906768@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> mused:
> > Xorra wrote:
> >> Erin wrote:
> >>> Xorra wrote:
> >>>> Mary_Gordon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
wrote:
> >>>>> I think he is using you as a fall back - a place holder. You
> >>>>> are reliable, you are his security because he knows he can
> >>>>> treat you like complete crap, and you will still hold on.
> >>>>
> >>>> You know, after one of Jen's posts, I started thinking about
> >>>> this more. I have a friend sort of like Erin's husband.
> >>>> It's a bit different because we're just internet friends and
> >>>> are unlikely to ever meet, much less stay together. Also,
> >>>> I've never described him as my soul mate.
> >>>>
> >>>> But our relation****p, while neither ***ual nor romantic, is
> >>>> very close, and if my husband asked me to give him up, I'd
> >>>> say no. That seems ridiculous on the face of it -- give up a
> >>>> marriage to talk on the computer?!!! Until you remember how
> >>>> bad my marriage has been. And this guy, even though he is
> >>>> just a friend, gives me something that I'm honestly not sure
> >>>> I ever got from my husband, which is respect.
> >>>>
> >>>> So I'm thinking that Erin's husband was not as happy during
> >>>> those 25 years as she thought. Why would he say he was if he
> >>>> wasn't? Well, there are a few possibilities. First of all,
> >>>> if he really does have Aspberger's, he might have been
> >>>> playing the role of a doting husband as he understood it.
> >>>> Doing and saying the things he was supposed to do and say.
> >>>> Or perhaps he was happy at first, and over time the joy left,
> >>>> and he kept up with the words out of habit. Or perhaps as he
> >>>> got more unhappy, he tried doting on her more and more in
> >>>> hopes of bringing back the love. Or perhaps Erin is editing,
> >>>> and he did try to tell her how unhappy he was, and she didn't
> >>>> hear it.
> >>>>
> >>>> I can see how he would feel that Erin didn't believe in him.
> >>>> That she was just waiting for him to fail. Always on him
> >>>> about his meds and not believing that he could ever be
> >>>> better, be whole, or succeed. Even when he lost weight,
> >>>> instead of celebrating, she decided he must be sick.
> >>>>
> >>>> Now, Erin, I understand why you had to be on him about his
> >>>> meds, and why you were so nervous, wondering when he'd try
> >>>> another suicide or head banging or whatever. I'm just trying
> >>>> to understand how your husband might be seeing it.
> >>>>
> >>>> So, at a time of deep unhappiness for him, he met a woman who
> >>>> gives him something he needs. Perhaps respect or belief in
> >>>> him. His co-workers don't think you should be jealous
> >>>> because they've seen that the two of them are just buddy
> >>>> buddy. The therapist thinks you shouldn't be jealous because
> >>>> she understands the nature of their relation****p. What I'm
> >>>> saying is that really everything he's said could be the
> >>>> truth. And that his dependance on her will only lessen when
> >>>> you begin hearing what he really needs from you.
> >>>>
> >>>> Xorra
> >>>
> >>> Perhaps Erin wasn't happy either; perhaps Erin was concerned
> >>> when she got a stroke and her DH would not bother to call 911
> >>> and risked her life; perhaps Erin got tired of taking a
> >>> depressed DH down from the noose, and saving him from every
> >>> personal
> >>> and medical crisis; perhaps Erin got tired or cooking,
> >>> cleaning, cheerleading and helping him with him medical
> >>> proglems;
> >>> perhaps Erin stayed and gave and gave and gave
> >>> until she could give no more?
> >>
> >> Perhaps, but in that case, why does Erin describe the marriage
> >> as ideal? What you describe above sounds far from ideal. I
> >> think it would be very odd for one partner to really be happy
> >> and the other really miserable. Maybe your unhappiness was
> >> part of what was making him unhappy.
> >>
> >>> Perhaps DH should have divorced
> >>> Erin if he was unhappy with Erin, instead of hooking up with
> >>> a soulmate and testing the waters, before dumping Erin, or
> >>> deciding that Erin is not so bad after all after, testing the
> >>> Soulmate potential.
> >>
> >> Again, you are assuming that he sees her as a girlfriend.
> >> Given that so many people who know more than we do don't see it
> >> that way, then it's just possible that he doesn't, and that he
> >> doesn't, and never did have any intention to leave you for her.
> >>
> >> Xorra
> >
> > Well, i didn't make that up -- he took off his wedding ring off,
> > he went to
> > visit her at her house after she left, she spent a week with him
> > at his
> > apt., he told me himself that he loved her (and me), he said she
> > was the best friend in the world, he said he could talk to her
> > and be close
> > in a way that he could not with me, and he got her to call me to
> > tell me
> > some cock n' bull story (about their relation****p) and she
> > herself told
> > me that they had a long, close relation****p because he was
> > unhappy with his marriage. And they still talk to each other
> > every day intimately,
> > and not over practical, impersonal matters as we do now. And
> > she is coming to stay with him this summer. If he hasn't slept
> > with her yet, i'm not going to oblige him by doing it for him.
> > Q.E.D.
>
> Amazingly, you then say that you have to take him at face value
> because his counselor does.
That's right. I promised to cooperate with his psychologist
who recommended that we see a marriage counsellor. Our
counsellor hears both stories and makes an *****sment
on how salvageable the marriage is. Presumably they
have quite a bit of experience of all kinds of marital problems.
What my perception of the situation is, is not necessarily everybody
else's.
I may be wrong about my interpretation. As I said earlier,
different people I have spoken to about this have a great
diversity in opinion. I may not be trying hard enough.
Isn't that why counsellors are recommended-- to guide
you in options and interpretations?
Erin
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