In
news:cd92cdcf-2e1e-418d-b6e5-ef6b5cb09901@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
<im906768@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> mused:
> Xorra wrote:
>> Erin wrote:
>>> Xorra wrote:
>>>> Mary_Gordon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
wrote:
>>>>> I think he is using you as a fall back - a place holder. You
>>>>> are reliable, you are his security because he knows he can
>>>>> treat you like complete crap, and you will still hold on.
>>>>
>>>> You know, after one of Jen's posts, I started thinking about
>>>> this more. I have a friend sort of like Erin's husband.
>>>> It's a bit different because we're just internet friends and
>>>> are unlikely to ever meet, much less stay together. Also,
>>>> I've never described him as my soul mate.
>>>>
>>>> But our relation****p, while neither ***ual nor romantic, is
>>>> very close, and if my husband asked me to give him up, I'd
>>>> say no. That seems ridiculous on the face of it -- give up a
>>>> marriage to talk on the computer?!!! Until you remember how
>>>> bad my marriage has been. And this guy, even though he is
>>>> just a friend, gives me something that I'm honestly not sure
>>>> I ever got from my husband, which is respect.
>>>>
>>>> So I'm thinking that Erin's husband was not as happy during
>>>> those 25 years as she thought. Why would he say he was if he
>>>> wasn't? Well, there are a few possibilities. First of all,
>>>> if he really does have Aspberger's, he might have been
>>>> playing the role of a doting husband as he understood it.
>>>> Doing and saying the things he was supposed to do and say.
>>>> Or perhaps he was happy at first, and over time the joy left,
>>>> and he kept up with the words out of habit. Or perhaps as he
>>>> got more unhappy, he tried doting on her more and more in
>>>> hopes of bringing back the love. Or perhaps Erin is editing,
>>>> and he did try to tell her how unhappy he was, and she didn't
>>>> hear it.
>>>>
>>>> I can see how he would feel that Erin didn't believe in him.
>>>> That she was just waiting for him to fail. Always on him
>>>> about his meds and not believing that he could ever be
>>>> better, be whole, or succeed. Even when he lost weight,
>>>> instead of celebrating, she decided he must be sick.
>>>>
>>>> Now, Erin, I understand why you had to be on him about his
>>>> meds, and why you were so nervous, wondering when he'd try
>>>> another suicide or head banging or whatever. I'm just trying
>>>> to understand how your husband might be seeing it.
>>>>
>>>> So, at a time of deep unhappiness for him, he met a woman who
>>>> gives him something he needs. Perhaps respect or belief in
>>>> him. His co-workers don't think you should be jealous
>>>> because they've seen that the two of them are just buddy
>>>> buddy. The therapist thinks you shouldn't be jealous because
>>>> she understands the nature of their relation****p. What I'm
>>>> saying is that really everything he's said could be the
>>>> truth. And that his dependance on her will only lessen when
>>>> you begin hearing what he really needs from you.
>>>>
>>>> Xorra
>>>
>>> Perhaps Erin wasn't happy either; perhaps Erin was concerned
>>> when she got a stroke and her DH would not bother to call 911
>>> and risked her life; perhaps Erin got tired of taking a
>>> depressed DH down from the noose, and saving him from every
>>> personal
>>> and medical crisis; perhaps Erin got tired or cooking,
>>> cleaning, cheerleading and helping him with him medical
>>> proglems;
>>> perhaps Erin stayed and gave and gave and gave
>>> until she could give no more?
>>
>> Perhaps, but in that case, why does Erin describe the marriage
>> as ideal? What you describe above sounds far from ideal. I
>> think it would be very odd for one partner to really be happy
>> and the other really miserable. Maybe your unhappiness was
>> part of what was making him unhappy.
>>
>>> Perhaps DH should have divorced
>>> Erin if he was unhappy with Erin, instead of hooking up with
>>> a soulmate and testing the waters, before dumping Erin, or
>>> deciding that Erin is not so bad after all after, testing the
>>> Soulmate potential.
>>
>> Again, you are assuming that he sees her as a girlfriend.
>> Given that so many people who know more than we do don't see it
>> that way, then it's just possible that he doesn't, and that he
>> doesn't, and never did have any intention to leave you for her.
>>
>> Xorra
>
> Well, i didn't make that up -- he took off his wedding ring off,
> he went to
> visit her at her house after she left, she spent a week with him
> at his
> apt., he told me himself that he loved her (and me), he said she
> was the best friend in the world, he said he could talk to her
> and be close
> in a way that he could not with me, and he got her to call me to
> tell me
> some cock n' bull story (about their relation****p) and she
> herself told
> me that they had a long, close relation****p because he was
> unhappy with his marriage. And they still talk to each other
> every day intimately,
> and not over practical, impersonal matters as we do now. And
> she is coming to stay with him this summer. If he hasn't slept
> with her yet, i'm not going to oblige him by doing it for him.
> Q.E.D.
Amazingly, you then say that you have to take him at face value
because his counselor does.
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