Xorra wrote:
> Erin wrote:
>> Xorra wrote:
>>> Mary_Gordon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
wrote:
>>>> I think he is using you as a fall back - a place holder. You are
>>>> reliable, you are his security because he knows he can treat you
>>>> like complete crap, and you will still hold on.
>>>
>>> You know, after one of Jen's posts, I started thinking about this
>>> more. I have a friend sort of like Erin's husband. It's a bit
>>> different because we're just internet friends and are unlikely to
>>> ever meet, much less stay together. Also, I've never described him
>>> as my soul mate.
>>>
>>> But our relation****p, while neither ***ual nor romantic, is very
>>> close, and if my husband asked me to give him up, I'd say no. That
>>> seems ridiculous on the face of it -- give up a marriage to talk on
>>> the computer?!!! Until you remember how bad my marriage has been.
>>> And this guy, even though he is just a friend, gives me something
>>> that I'm honestly not sure I ever got from my husband, which is
>>> respect.
>>>
>>> So I'm thinking that Erin's husband was not as happy during those 25
>>> years as she thought. Why would he say he was if he wasn't? Well,
>>> there are a few possibilities. First of all, if he really does have
>>> Aspberger's, he might have been playing the role of a doting husband
>>> as he understood it. Doing and saying the things he was supposed to
>>> do and say. Or perhaps he was happy at first, and over time the joy
>>> left, and he kept up with the words out of habit. Or perhaps as he
>>> got more unhappy, he tried doting on her more and more in hopes of
>>> bringing back the love. Or perhaps Erin is editing, and he did try
>>> to tell her how unhappy he was, and she didn't hear it.
>>>
>>> I can see how he would feel that Erin didn't believe in him. That
>>> she was just waiting for him to fail. Always on him about his meds
>>> and not believing that he could ever be better, be whole, or
>>> succeed. Even when he lost weight, instead of celebrating, she
>>> decided he must be sick.
>>>
>>> Now, Erin, I understand why you had to be on him about his meds, and
>>> why you were so nervous, wondering when he'd try another suicide or
>>> head banging or whatever. I'm just trying to understand how your
>>> husband might be seeing it.
>>>
>>> So, at a time of deep unhappiness for him, he met a woman who gives
>>> him something he needs. Perhaps respect or belief in him. His
>>> co-workers don't think you should be jealous because they've seen
>>> that the two of them are just buddy buddy. The therapist thinks
>>> you shouldn't be jealous because she understands the nature of their
>>> relation****p. What I'm saying is that really everything he's said
>>> could be the truth. And that his dependance on her will only lessen
>>> when you begin hearing what he really needs from you.
>>>
>>> Xorra
>>
>> Perhaps Erin wasn't happy either; perhaps Erin was concerned
>> when she got a stroke and her DH would not bother to call 911 and
>> risked her life; perhaps Erin got tired of taking a depressed DH
>> down from the noose, and saving him from every personal
>> and medical crisis; perhaps Erin got tired or cooking, cleaning,
>> cheerleading and helping him with him medical proglems;
>> perhaps Erin stayed and gave and gave and gave
>> until she could give no more?
>
> Perhaps, but in that case, why does Erin describe the marriage as ideal?
Does Erin describe the marriage as ideal?
> What you describe above sounds far from ideal. I think it would be very
> odd
> for one partner to really be happy and the other really miserable.
Maybe
> your unhappiness was part of what was making him unhappy.
>
>> Perhaps DH should have divorced
>> Erin if he was unhappy with Erin, instead of hooking up with
>> a soulmate and testing the waters, before dumping Erin, or deciding
>> that Erin is not so bad after all after, testing the Soulmate
>> potential.
>
> Again, you are assuming that he sees her as a girlfriend. Given that so
> many people who know more than we do don't see it that way, then it's
just
> possible that he doesn't, and that he doesn't, and never did have any
> intention to leave you for her.
>
> Xorra
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