penny****ny...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
wrote:
> On Jul 2, 12:00 pm, Erin <im906...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> > Doug Freyburger wrote:
> > > Erin <im906...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> >
> > > > If a husband treats his mistress with civility,
> > > > respect and affection, finding no fault even with
> > > > obvious faults she has to others, while treating his wife
> > > > with impatience, irritability, rudeness and contempt,
> > > > ignoring her good character, hard work, and kindness,
> > > > what does it mean? =EF=BF=BDMy ************ says it means
> > > > that he has idealized the mistress, and that he has moved on
> > > > from his past love for his wife. =EF=BF=BDDo counsellors think
that
> > > > this can be reversed? Does anyone-- are there
> > > > statistics?
> >
> > > Ah, back on the other end of the swing. Sigh.
> > > Goodbye whatever that compromise was when the
> > > husband did not actually live up to the actions part
> > > just the words part.
> >
> > No good-bye to the compromise-- it stand and i stand
> > by my word; infact the compromise is an effort on both
> > our parts to resolve the problems in the marriage, if they
> > are infact problems of the marriage; but i do wonder why
> > he sounded so nice on the phone to her-- polite and
> > everything, and he does not seem the same way with me--
> > that's all-- i wonder-- maybe he doesn't like me anymore
> > and just can't bring himself to say so, but he does say
> > he loves me.
>
> This reminds me of my Japanese girlfriend. In Japan, everyone is ultra
> polite. It is a part of the culture. Sometimes you will see two people
> engaged in what seems to be a "polite-off" -- escalating politeness,
> trying to outdo each other.
>
> I asked my friend about this, and she said that the reality is the
> more polite you are to someone, the less honest you are being with
> them. If you have a close, intimate friend, you can be honest, let
> down your hair, and you don't have to put on an act of politeness with
> them.
>
> I think it's probably the same with your DH. He has a history of
> intimacy with you that he doesn't have - and will never have - with
> his friend. Their relation****p is superficial. Yes, it is probably
> nice to have all this politeness and yes I do think that married
> people should be polite and good and kind to each other.
>
> I'm just saying.... that intimacy and being honest isn't always the
> easy road. It's very common to get anxious when you are revealing your
> true self to someone, asking for what you need, hoping that they will
> not reject you for who you really are. And this anxiousness can come
> across as irritability. Especially if there is a history of rejection
> or being unheard.
>
> Does that make any sense? I'm tired, so maybe it doesn't!
>
> jen
It makes sense; but i am letting him be free to choose what he
really wants; regarding your previous post -- sociopathy does
not mean you are a serial killer; but it does point to character
traits such as lack of empathy, flat affect, lack of conscience,
socialization through rules but not internalized emotional sense
of values.... it may be inherited as it seems in his case. It can
also be well concealed and is often related with very high IQ--
but under tremendously stressful conditions it comes out.
So, my husband has many wonderful traits such as a great sense
of humour, very nice companion****p, great conversationalist,
very predictable due to following rules throughout life, highly
intelligent, and in our case very good college friends from the
beginning with mutual sup****t.
As I said, under stressful conditions the facade broke down, and
the true indifference to other people's pain and inability to
feel anything more than winning the game, and instense
instinctive sensations, revealed itself.
Erin
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