On Jul 2, 12:00=C2=A0pm, Erin <im906...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> Doug Freyburger wrote:
> > Erin <im906...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
> > > If a husband treats his mistress with civility,
> > > respect and affection, finding no fault even with
> > > obvious faults she has to others, while treating his wife
> > > with impatience, irritability, rudeness and contempt,
> > > ignoring her good character, hard work, and kindness,
> > > what does it mean? =EF=BF=BDMy ************ says it means
> > > that he has idealized the mistress, and that he has moved on
> > > from his past love for his wife. =EF=BF=BDDo counsellors think that
> > > this can be reversed? Does anyone-- are there
> > > statistics?
>
> > Ah, back on the other end of the swing. =C2=A0Sigh.
> > Goodbye whatever that compromise was when the
> > husband did not actually live up to the actions part
> > just the words part.
>
> No good-bye to the compromise-- it stand and i stand
> by my word; infact the compromise is an effort on both
> our parts to resolve the problems in the marriage, if they
> are infact problems of the marriage; but i do wonder why
> he sounded so nice on the phone to her-- polite and
> everything, and he does not seem the same way with me--
> that's all-- i wonder-- maybe he doesn't like me anymore
> and just can't bring himself to say so, but he does say
> he loves me.
This reminds me of my Japanese girlfriend. In Japan, everyone is ultra
polite. It is a part of the culture. Sometimes you will see two people
engaged in what seems to be a "polite-off" -- escalating politeness,
trying to outdo each other.
I asked my friend about this, and she said that the reality is the
more polite you are to someone, the less honest you are being with
them. If you have a close, intimate friend, you can be honest, let
down your hair, and you don't have to put on an act of politeness with
them.
I think it's probably the same with your DH. He has a history of
intimacy with you that he doesn't have - and will never have - with
his friend. Their relation****p is superficial. Yes, it is probably
nice to have all this politeness and yes I do think that married
people should be polite and good and kind to each other.
I'm just saying.... that intimacy and being honest isn't always the
easy road. It's very common to get anxious when you are revealing your
true self to someone, asking for what you need, hoping that they will
not reject you for who you really are. And this anxiousness can come
across as irritability. Especially if there is a history of rejection
or being unheard.
Does that make any sense? I'm tired, so maybe it doesn't!
jen
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