I was wrong

I was wrong. I was wrong to post intimate details of my perceptions of
my wife's ***ual past. I now realize (now being relative) that judging
her was horribly wrong. It's been 14 years and it seems it has finally
reached that point where we are going to separate and divorce.

Did I make mistakes, you bet. Lots of them. Making her feel invaluable
when I was the sole financial provider (years ago) was wrong. Judging
her character based upon my perceptions of her "past" was horribly
wrong.

Was I 'right'? You bet. In lots of ways. But I've learned,  that
posting my   'right', will look (say 10 years from now), as postings
her 'wrongs' and I'd hate to have to look back at this posting in the
same manner that I have so many of my other older postings -- with
regret. I've learned that often what seems right is wrong and vice-
versa.

I first started posting to this group 10 years ago. About my failing
marriage. My concerns about an abusive wife. My fears about her as a
parent. At that time (as now), my marriage was in serious distress and
I was in a vulnerable place. Many of the posted responses I received
to my posts were hurtful. But I figured the postings (the hurtful
ones) were the 'other viewpoint.' So I accepted the criticism but I
stopped posting 1/2 decade ago. To the cyber sleuths out there,
decipher my nickname and you'll find me posting about my marriage 10
years ago. Unfortunately for me, the more time lapsed, the more we
stayed the same. But it's an interesting read.

The marriage is over. Who was right about what no longer matters.
There's more than enough blame for both of us. Least disruption to
children, fair and equitable division of assets and liabilities,
establishment of new family routines -- is what I am about right now.

In rereading my posts from a decade ago, I'm sad to say many of the
negative negative aspects of my marriage just intensified. Never got
any better. I really do feel as though I've given it my all and it
just isn't working. It's unhealthy for all of us in so many ways that
I truly believe a rearrangement of our family structure is necessary.

Some things I've learned along the way. Your wife is who you thought
she is. Your wife isn't who you thought she was. That beauty truly is
skin deep. That there is no right or wrong in a marriage -- that
thinking makes it so! That you have a right to not be abused. That
'staying for the kids' is grasping for straws that ain't there. If
you're unhappy with someone, you're unhappy with someone, 'kids' can't
change that. That everyone has emotional baggage but to make a
marriage works, you gotta be able to pack it all in the luggage
compartment. Then work like hell to deal with it by unpacking it
slowly, professionally if needed. If you can't fit it all in there
together, and then deal with it, you will find yourself unhappy and
frustrated. That there are losses, and then there are LOSSES and you'd
better learn to tell the difference between the two. That being Dad is
the most terrific, meaningful purpose of a man. That one man's truths
can be one woman's lies and vice-versa. That infidelity in a marriage
does not have to doom it. That loving oneself is a wonderful place to
be, but realize that not everyone thinks you're as terrific as you
think you are. That therapy and/or meds really can help you deal with
your issues. But beware the new gained clarity. Now that the
wind****eld is beginning to clear up you might notice you've crossed
the double yellow line.

 And finally, that what you post in cyber space NEVER goes away, so
don't post anything that you can't own up to 10 years later. Peace and
love to the haters and sup****ters from '98, '03 -- I'll check back in
five years from now with a new moniker (as I told you, the marriage is
dead and so this moniker must expire as well) to remind myself of
where I was and to help chart where I'm going.  To share my story and
hopefully others can grow positively from it.