Re: lonely

Doug Laidlaw <d...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
> I think that what Doug is saying is that venting feelings of frustration
=
is
> a Good Thing, but stick to venting, not hating. =A0But O.P. needs
feedbac=
k,
> to be told that yes, we have listened, and no, we don't tell her she
> shouldn't be feeling the way she does.

Right.  Words that hurt do what?  Not venting.  Saying she
hates her husband isn't letting off steam in any beneficial
manner.  It might help push the next crisis further out but
it definitely does not count as working through her feelings
on a problem.  Venting and working through feelings is
progress, hating is not.

> Personally, I find "letting off steam" to be a safety valve only. =A0It
> doesn't do anything to make next time less likely. =A0There is no
healing=
..
> It is a job for counseling. =A0If DH won't attend, at least she should.

Agreed.  Yet the process had been two years in the making at
this point.  He was violent.  Unacceptable.  She saw a diffference
in persoanlity types and picked at him until he blew.  Also
unacceptable.  Ever since she's hated him.  It doesn't add up.
She hates him because she picked on him until he blew up?
If there's been no violence since and she's clear there's going to
be no more violence unless she goes far out of her way to trigger
it it can't be that either.

So he's a guy who's usually morally upright and a good provider
for her and the kids.  He's passive or introverted and she's
aggressive or extroverted.  Rather than dealing with that difference
and making it work out well - complementing each other - she has
been trying to change him for at least two years.  Oh yeah, like
trying to change someone really works.  And since she's trying
to change him and it's not working she hates him.  At least that's
the picture she's presented in her postings in the last two years.

This is why I asked her what else she's been trying in the last
two years.  She's already gone down hill in the process of
provoking him then having him arrested and the two years since
then has shown it was her provocation that was the initiation
of the process (but certainly not the only thing to blame).  How
has *he* reacted in the two years since she did that to him?
If my wife did that I would not be inclined to more intimacy with
a person who calls the police on me.  And how has *she*
reacted in the two years since he had his violent outburst?  Has
she gone from trying to change him, a strategy gauranteed to
fail, to some other approach?  Or has she just slowly built up
frustration with lack of progress coming from the outside that
ever several months she vents on this group?

And we don't have the other side of the story to make any
guesses at any of this.

Professional help to get past this impasse is defintely needed
as has been pointed out by several posters.  Has that been
done?  Has any kind of help been sought?  Has she been
trying to find a common ground in which to discuss without
confrontation?