Bill in Co wrote:
> Doug Freyburger wrote:
>> mom0f4boys <momsh...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>>>
>>> I'm tired and lonely, and so sick of hating my husband, Alternately
>>> hating and 'trying'.
>>
>> So what have you tried, as in professional help?
>>
>>> sorry sorry sorry and I'm SICK of feeling sorry and mad!!!!!!
>>
>> You come in about twice a year and complain. What's the
>> action in between? Or do you just prefer the group be a
>> sounding board?
>
> What difference does that make?
>
>> I get the feminine deal of complaining
>> every so often to let off steam, but your words include "hate".
>> That isn't letting off steam. None of your complaints have
>> been about stuff he's done or stuff you've done. You feelings
>> are im****tant and expressing them is supposed to give you
>> release,
>
> It's a *process*, Doug. And probably a long one. :-)
>
>> but using the word "hate" doesn't seem like it will
>> lead that direction and without discussing actions there
>> doesn't seem to be much to work with.
>>
>> So I'm somewhere between - "Cut it out with the words that
>> hurt" and "Okay did that blow off enough steam that you're
>> good for another six months? Folks read your message so
>> the sounding board thing worked."
>
> "Worked"? (We're not here necessarily to just FIX things).
>
How true, Bill!
I think that what Doug is saying is that venting feelings of frustration
is
a Good Thing, but stick to venting, not hating. But O.P. needs feedback,
to be told that yes, we have listened, and no, we don't tell her she
shouldn't be feeling the way she does.
A separation is a bit like a death; there is grieving involved. The O.P.
may not be separated yet, but plainly her marriage has cracks in it. As
you say, Bill, hating is part of grieving. Anger at DH for appearing not
to be the sup****t he should have been. Whether it is justified doesn't
matter; the anger is real. We need to listen to that and tell her that
she
has been heard. Plainly, Doug has listened. I doubt the ability of this
forum to fix things. That requires face-to-face, heart-to-heart
communication. What does she hate about her DH? She may not wish to
splash that on the Internet, but she needs to look at it dispassionately,
as a simple, objective fact. An understanding friend or counselor can
provide the right non-judgmental atmosphere for that.
Grieving for a deceased partner or sup****t may include anger at the person
for withdrawing his/her sup****t. I saw an example with a girl whose aunt
had died. Yes, it is illogical, but it happens often. And feelings can't
be argued away. To accept that they are normal, is the first step.
Personally, I find "letting off steam" to be a safety valve only. It
doesn't do anything to make next time less likely. There is no healing.
It is a job for counseling. If DH won't attend, at least she should.
Doug L.
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