On Jun 24, 9:13=A0pm, mom0f4boys <momsh...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> =A0 =A0Hi... thanks for the feedback and sup****t. =A0No, I'm not being
> beaten, =A0The last incident was the one I talked about on here. =A0We
> separated for a while then (not really separated, but he was away for
> a work thing for 3 weeks) and that was helpful. =A0He went for
> counseling, and so did I (separately). =A0And it wasn't a 'beating'.
> It was unacceptable, but there is a distinction between shoving/
> pu****ng someone down and 'beating'. =A0There is a characterization that
> springs to mind when one uses the word 'beating'.... the personality
> type of an aggressive, controlling person who has outbursts when they
> don't get what they want. =A0My husband has never fit that bill... he is
> a somewhat submissive person, always goes with the flow. =A0 I tried to
> see my part in it. =A0He closes down when faced with conflict, and back
> then I was more likely to respond to that 'closing off' by becoming
> more verbally agressive.. wanting to 'have it out' and trying to get
> SOMETHING out of him. =A0There was a time that he ran out of the house
> and smashed his face into the back wind****eld of his van, slicing up
> his face and requiring stitches. =A0(No, he doesn't drink). =A0Again,
thi=
s
> kind of thing hasn't happened since.
> =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0We do nothing together. =A0We barely talk. =A0I drink
=
too much.
> Alone. (And then yes, use groups like this as 'sounding boards'). =A0I
> have been cutting back on the drinking and working with a doctor to
> find some equilibrium with my moods. =A0I will be starting Adderall
> after I have an EKG. =A0When I say 'moods' it sounds bad. =A0To be
> specific, I have trouble relaxing and not feeling anxious or rushed or
> distracted. =A0I feel ashamed sometimes of being 37 and still being just
> a housewife... and not a great one (my flower garden is weedy, the
> laundry is always backlogged, bla bla... it just isn't fulfilling).
Same problem here. Feels like being a hamster in the wheel.
> Separately, my husband and I have good relation****ps with the boys.
> He takes them fi****ng, does the baseball/wrestling stuff, watches the
> shows they like with them. =A0I keep tabs on how they do in school and
> their social lives, talk with them about anything/everything, do them
> jillions of favors,
> =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 When he is home I often withdraw with a book, or
watc=
h a DVD
> or go on the computer. =A0He resents that, says I leave everytrhig to
> him. =A0'Everything' is the supper dishes and putting the younger boys
> to bed. =A0I suggested that he delegate the dishes to the boys. =A0Also,
> the kids are easy to put to bed.. just a little overseeing of dental
> care and a bit of chat and/or some reading. =A0Somehow he takes forever
> doing it, although it could be done in less than 20 minutes. =A0He is
> inefficient in his task management, so these small tasks seem to him
> like I 'dump everything on him'. =A0I don't mind sharing tips about
> getting things done easier, but he rarely heeds my advice.
Giving any advice to my husband I have given up on. He gets very put
out if I try to give him some good ideas. I still don't get why that
is. It is our job and if they are having difficulty with an aspect
that we do with precision and skill, why not accept the advice?
And dang! wouldn't it feel lovely to be respected enough in our
"position" to be asked for our expertise? <sigh>
> =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0Hanging out with him makes me feel empty. =A0We
se=
em to have
> nothing in common. =A0I'd rather converse with the kids than with him,
> The kids and I get in lively debates, we have a jillion in-jokes. =A0If
> my husband is present, he simply listens passively. =A0Long ago, when we
> would go to parties, he'd do the same thing... just sit on the edge
> and listen. =A0That shouldn't make me angry, but it does. =A0He very
> rarely reads. =A0One nice thing I remember is the Harry Potter series,
> which he did read. =A0And then we actually had something to talk about.
I myself get very nervous when I feel "out of touch" with my husband.
I have to go and cozy up and reconnect.
I have had times where things are off-balance enough that I would
rather not get back in touch and that is not a good feeling.
You may need to push yourself a little to connect.
> =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0We had an ok day today, watched my sister's kids
f=
or the
> day, put on two huge meals together, lots of errands, even a giant
> family board game hour when it rained, and all was civil. I can't
> imagine, though, without kids... what would there be between us?
I am trying to find a way to get our three kids watched for a few
consecutive days so that my husband and I can feel the freedom of
being with each other again and start some new memories. I really
would rather not wait until the kids are grown and we are lost to each
other.
Can you find a way to do that?
Vickie
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