This is just something to think about to see if it strikes a note with you
but do you think it's possible that your general feeling of
dissatisfaction
with your life - your age, where you are, what you are doing and what
you'd
rather be doing (even if you can't think of anything specific that didn't
also involve a major lottery win!) - is being projected onto your husband?
I
mean he probably really isn't that different now than when you first met
him
and fell in love with him, flaws and all.
Sometimes when we are unhappy about something within ourselves we can
start
subconsciously blaming our spouse for whatever ails us and magnifying
their
flaws to make that blame seem more reasonable.
I think you might find it helpful to let your relation****p with your
husband
lie dormant for a time while you concentrate on finding joy in your life
through doing things that make you feel good about yourself. I don't mean
choose to do things that would make your husband more unhappy or drive you
two further apart but just to take the pressure off by lowering your
expectations and hopes for your partner****p. That is, lay your
disappointments to one side for a time while you put more emotional energy
into thinking about positive new directions rather than any current
negative
aspects to your life.
mom0f4boys wrote:
> Hi... thanks for the feedback and sup****t. No, I'm not being
> beaten, The last incident was the one I talked about on here. We
> separated for a while then (not really separated, but he was away for
> a work thing for 3 weeks) and that was helpful. He went for
> counseling, and so did I (separately). And it wasn't a 'beating'.
> It was unacceptable, but there is a distinction between shoving/
> pu****ng someone down and 'beating'. There is a characterization that
> springs to mind when one uses the word 'beating'.... the personality
> type of an aggressive, controlling person who has outbursts when they
> don't get what they want. My husband has never fit that bill... he is
> a somewhat submissive person, always goes with the flow. I tried to
> see my part in it. He closes down when faced with conflict, and back
> then I was more likely to respond to that 'closing off' by becoming
> more verbally agressive.. wanting to 'have it out' and trying to get
> SOMETHING out of him. There was a time that he ran out of the house
> and smashed his face into the back wind****eld of his van, slicing up
> his face and requiring stitches. (No, he doesn't drink). Again, this
> kind of thing hasn't happened since.
> We do nothing together. We barely talk. I drink too much.
> Alone. (And then yes, use groups like this as 'sounding boards'). I
> have been cutting back on the drinking and working with a doctor to
> find some equilibrium with my moods. I will be starting Adderall
> after I have an EKG. When I say 'moods' it sounds bad. To be
> specific, I have trouble relaxing and not feeling anxious or rushed or
> distracted. I feel ashamed sometimes of being 37 and still being just
> a housewife... and not a great one (my flower garden is weedy, the
> laundry is always backlogged, bla bla... it just isn't fulfilling).
> Separately, my husband and I have good relation****ps with the boys.
> He takes them fi****ng, does the baseball/wrestling stuff, watches the
> shows they like with them. I keep tabs on how they do in school and
> their social lives, talk with them about anything/everything, do them
> jillions of favors,
> When he is home I often withdraw with a book, or watch a DVD
> or go on the computer. He resents that, says I leave everytrhig to
> him. 'Everything' is the supper dishes and putting the younger boys
> to bed. I suggested that he delegate the dishes to the boys. Also,
> the kids are easy to put to bed.. just a little overseeing of dental
> care and a bit of chat and/or some reading. Somehow he takes forever
> doing it, although it could be done in less than 20 minutes. He is
> inefficient in his task management, so these small tasks seem to him
> like I 'dump everything on him'. I don't mind sharing tips about
> getting things done easier, but he rarely heeds my advice.
> Hanging out with him makes me feel empty. We seem to have
> nothing in common. I'd rather converse with the kids than with him,
> The kids and I get in lively debates, we have a jillion in-jokes. If
> my husband is present, he simply listens passively. Long ago, when we
> would go to parties, he'd do the same thing... just sit on the edge
> and listen. That shouldn't make me angry, but it does. He very
> rarely reads. One nice thing I remember is the Harry Potter series,
> which he did read. And then we actually had something to talk about.
> We had an ok day today, watched my sister's kids for the
> day, put on two huge meals together, lots of errands, even a giant
> family board game hour when it rained, and all was civil. I can't
> imagine, though, without kids... what would there be between us?
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