Hi... thanks for the feedback and sup****t. No, I'm not being
beaten, The last incident was the one I talked about on here. We
separated for a while then (not really separated, but he was away for
a work thing for 3 weeks) and that was helpful. He went for
counseling, and so did I (separately). And it wasn't a 'beating'.
It was unacceptable, but there is a distinction between shoving/
pu****ng someone down and 'beating'. There is a characterization that
springs to mind when one uses the word 'beating'.... the personality
type of an aggressive, controlling person who has outbursts when they
don't get what they want. My husband has never fit that bill... he is
a somewhat submissive person, always goes with the flow. I tried to
see my part in it. He closes down when faced with conflict, and back
then I was more likely to respond to that 'closing off' by becoming
more verbally agressive.. wanting to 'have it out' and trying to get
SOMETHING out of him. There was a time that he ran out of the house
and smashed his face into the back wind****eld of his van, slicing up
his face and requiring stitches. (No, he doesn't drink). Again, this
kind of thing hasn't happened since.
We do nothing together. We barely talk. I drink too much.
Alone. (And then yes, use groups like this as 'sounding boards'). I
have been cutting back on the drinking and working with a doctor to
find some equilibrium with my moods. I will be starting Adderall
after I have an EKG. When I say 'moods' it sounds bad. To be
specific, I have trouble relaxing and not feeling anxious or rushed or
distracted. I feel ashamed sometimes of being 37 and still being just
a housewife... and not a great one (my flower garden is weedy, the
laundry is always backlogged, bla bla... it just isn't fulfilling).
Separately, my husband and I have good relation****ps with the boys.
He takes them fi****ng, does the baseball/wrestling stuff, watches the
shows they like with them. I keep tabs on how they do in school and
their social lives, talk with them about anything/everything, do them
jillions of favors,
When he is home I often withdraw with a book, or watch a DVD
or go on the computer. He resents that, says I leave everytrhig to
him. 'Everything' is the supper dishes and putting the younger boys
to bed. I suggested that he delegate the dishes to the boys. Also,
the kids are easy to put to bed.. just a little overseeing of dental
care and a bit of chat and/or some reading. Somehow he takes forever
doing it, although it could be done in less than 20 minutes. He is
inefficient in his task management, so these small tasks seem to him
like I 'dump everything on him'. I don't mind sharing tips about
getting things done easier, but he rarely heeds my advice.
Hanging out with him makes me feel empty. We seem to have
nothing in common. I'd rather converse with the kids than with him,
The kids and I get in lively debates, we have a jillion in-jokes. If
my husband is present, he simply listens passively. Long ago, when we
would go to parties, he'd do the same thing... just sit on the edge
and listen. That shouldn't make me angry, but it does. He very
rarely reads. One nice thing I remember is the Harry Potter series,
which he did read. And then we actually had something to talk about.
We had an ok day today, watched my sister's kids for the
day, put on two huge meals together, lots of errands, even a giant
family board game hour when it rained, and all was civil. I can't
imagine, though, without kids... what would there be between us?
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