Hi,
I've not posted for a while as someone
suggested it may be good to take a break.
Something happened to my marriage; my
husband stopped his meds. It's very hard
to speak to an unmedicated mentally ill person
with expectations of responsibility and common
sense.
But enough about him; here is what has happened
to me, after being alone for some time. To my
frank amazement, I am beginning to regain long lost
confidence and ability to talk to people and ask
for things without feeling like Manuel in "Fawlty Towers".
It must have been years of abuse and being put
down that changed my character. Even now, when
we do get together for short periods of time, I notice
anew how fond he is of the "one-upman****p" on just about anything
anybody says, even if it is blatantly true. He likes to
put people down. It's a form of psychopathic
aggression and egotism which at first dazzles with brilliance
but after further insight reveals a mean inherited temperament.
Rarely does he have a good word to say.
Rarely does he have the ability to see the beauty or
goodness in the world or enjoy it. It's pathetic.
If someone makes a witty remark or suggests a good
idea in a conversation, his typical response is to top it with his
own
brilliance. That can be pretty eroding in a close relation****p.
So, to my surpise the less I converse with him,
the better I become as a self-respecting person.
The sad thing is, that I, like others had the highest
esteem for him and depended on him. I also
invested decades of emotional encouragement
and cheerleading for him, which I now see as
having been a colossal waste of my life. One of
his bossom buddies informed me that the problem
was that he was not happy with the marriage.
The fact is he is not happy with life or himself, and
that as confided by a closer relation, this goes back
to his childhood. I feel sorry for him. Perhaps his
most recent sign of self-awareness and growth was
his remark: don't expect too much from me.
Still, it is the weak-kneed who need the greatest
sup****t. Fortunately for me, he has now found some
new crutches.
Erin
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