Re: A woman who dated a married man

On Jan 4, 11:22=A0am, krzgirl <krzg...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> > Stop all contact with him if you are truly serious about ending your
aff=
air
> > and definitely don't plan to meet him for that rendezvous. (I hope it
is=
n't
> > as trite as a Valentine's Day meeting!)
>
> Nope, not that trite. but just in case you are fi****ng, I ain't giving
> any more info.

I don't think anyone's fi****ng, so much as that you feel driven to
talk about your situation with others, which makes it quite easy for
you to let slip additional details. And that is common, it's part of
the spell that has been cast over you by your affair. I was the same
way myself.

After I cut off all contact, I didn't stop thinking about him. I
was... basically... obsessed, possessed.... and for a very long time,
too. I would go over every old email, rehash in my mind every meeting,
every comment, every look. I'd analyze and overanalyze every detail.
The friends I had that knew about the affair, every op****tunity I
could, I would bring it up, so I could talk about it and let it occupy
my brain like the drug that it was. I had some friends that gladly
enabled this, other friends that eventually told me they didn't think
it was healthy for me to dwell, so they refused to listen anymore if I
brought it up.

Like you are doing here on ASM, I did the same on ASD! I wanted to
talk about him because it kept it alive and helped me avoid addressing
or thinking about other problems in my life. When I first joined ASD,
boy did I get ATTACKED, just like you got attacked here. But I kept
throwing myself back into it anyway, because even if I was getting
attacked by most people, at least it was still keeping my favorite
topic fresh in my mind!

To give you an idea, my affair was in 1997. I held on to printouts of
every email until 2003, when DH and I (not yet married) moved into our
new house together. That's when I finally threw them all out.

As I said, I think in many ways, dwelling on him so much was like a
painkiller, to avoid the emotional pain I was stuffing down, about
failing my marriage and going through the divorce. It helped me avoid
"going there" until I was ready.

But also... something I realized after DH and I started dating... the
reality was that I really had very little to base the whole experience
on! Very little time with this guy. All I had was tons and tons of
emails, a few phone calls, and probably the same amount of in-person
time you and your guy have had together. That was it.

The guy I dated right before DH, was no better... while he was single
and unattached, it was a long-distance relation****p. It wasn't until
DH and I met, that I had something completely different: we were
virtually inseparable from day one. Very little email and phone calls
- we were with each other in person all the time, constantly. With the
exception of the hours we are apart during work, he's been present and
there for me in the real world from the moment we met.

He's... well... he's REAL. I don't have to imagine and wonder and
fantasize and guess. I have the real flesh and blood person right
there in front of  me.

Gah, am I making any sense....? I barely slept the last two nights,
suffering a touch of insomnia due to some work stress, so I'm afraid
this week I'm just going on and on .... trying to keep myself awake!

jen