Re: A woman who dated a married man

On Dec 30, 6:31=A0pm, ****nypenny <****nypenny0...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:

After writing this, I wish I could go back and edit... I hit post too
soon! A few more additional thoughts (sorry, tacky posting, I know!):



> But I can say pretty confidently, since we've seen so many situations
> like this drift through this group over the years, and I've witnessed
> a few such triangles up close in my real life too, that if you choose
> to stay in contact with him, if you choose to stay out there...
> waiting .... then you are pretty much creating the perfect stable
> situation. He will be able to go on *endlessly* in his half-assed
> marriage, as long as you are there waiting in the wings, never making
> up his mind to stay or go. He'll be half in, half out. Giving both you
> and his wife only half of himself.
>
> Look, he's already told you, loud and clear, that he's in this
> marriage until his kids are of a certain age. His youngest is only 10.
> So it's obvious that his marriage isn't so insufferable that he can't
> put in at least another 8 years, right?

=2E.. and that his children are very big motivating factors for fixing
his marriage, if it is fixable and his wife is willing to try and fix
it. It sounds like you were in the opposite situation with your
previous marriage: your problems with your ex were large enough that
the motivation to keep together for the kids' sake was simply
overpowered. Two different situations entirely. And deep in your
heart, your heart is telling you that you know this. That is why you
two don't see eye-to-eye on this issue. Because his marriage issues
are NOT BAD ENOUGH to break up the family. They are only bad enough to
have an affair to either shock his wife into fighting for the
marriage, or round out what is missing.... like a little seasoning.
But his wife is the steak.


> And obvious that there's
> nothing remarkably special about you that he'd choose to cut those 8
> years short.

=2E.. or so terrible and unfixable about his marriage.

Deep down, maybe he subconciously wanted to wake up his wife? And the
affair was his ticket to do just that. She's listening now. She's
obviously trying to save her marriage. The claws are out and she's
growling at you, the threat. She doesn't sound like a woman who
doesn't care, a woman who's ready to give up. It sounds like she will
put in the effort needed to fix the marriage.... but now your Prince
has only one foot on the bed and the other on the floor!

That puts him in a position of power over her, you do get that, don't
you? You - your existence, waiting on the side - is enabling him to
have the emotional upper hand, for a change.

>  He's already weighed that on the scale of his life - you
> on one side, a few more years of his marriage on the other side, and
> his marriage won. Not you.

Re-read that again for good measure.

I'm not trying to be mean and hurt your feelings, I'm just trying to
get you to take the blinders off and see the reality of your
situation. You are his "fallback" gal. You are the proverbial woman on
his cell phone that he'll call at midnight if he's not had any success
with any of the girls he wanted to take home at the bar.

Stop being so easy. I fear you won't take my advice on this, because
you fear that I'm right, and that if you stop being available, you're
going to lose him. But you deserve to be someone's FIRST choice. Not
their fallback choice.

He's just not that into you, honey. Find someone who is. Unless that's
not what you want!! That's okay too. Maybe you really are afraid of
commitment, and just aren't ready for that... it can be overwhelming,
when he's truly into you!

But okay, if that's the case, no prob... just find someone who's not
lying and cheating on his wife. Someone deserving of your time.  There
are tons of men out there in situations that would work. Heck, I can
introduce you to my BIL... his divorce is not yet final, but it will
be - that is for sure - and while he is definetly over his ex, he's in
no way ready for a commitment right now. But he's the type who is much
happier with someone in his life. Or maybe someone who lives long
distance? Or how about a younger, single hotty, who's years away from
wanting to settle down?

jen