Re: A woman who dated a married man

On Dec 30, 4:47=A0pm, krzgirl <krzg...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> yep, I am looking for someone to date vs spending my days and nights
> alone right now, so what?

Do you think it's fair to date someone because you're using them to
keep your days and nights occupied until Prince Charming divorces his
Cinderella? Or will you be as forthright and honest about your
situation as you have with us, with everyone you date? It would only
be fair, I think, that you do.

I have this theory about people who date married people, or who date
long distance, or who date otherwise unavailable people. My theory is
that they are in a place in their lives where they really aren't ready
for commitment. Do you think there might be a shred of truth in this,
for you? You get the thrill of having someone who loves you but who
can't possibly commit to you at this time in his life. Perhaps that is
convenient for you, in some way?

Not that there's anything wrong with that. There are certain times in
life that it's appropriate strategy. As long as you are being open and
honest with the person you are dating.... AND there's no third-party
involved who has no say in it.

Meanwhile I tend to think that married people who have affairs often
do so because they are afraid of deepening the intimacy of their
marriages. Intimacy can be just too darn scary. So they introduce a
third person into the equation...making a triangle... because triangle
relation****ps are much more stable, less threatening. Think about it:
if you are playing catch with just one other person, you must be ready
and on guard to catch the ball each time it's thrown, because it will
only be thrown at you... and ready to throw it back too. But if you're
playing catch with two other people, you have a bit of space to
breathe and relax, because sometimes the ball is thrown at you, other
times it's thrown at the third person in the triangle. Heck, you can
even turn away for a moment to lace your shoes, and know that it's
okay because that third person will field for you.

You might wonder about married people who turn the other cheek and
ignore their partner who has affairs. Now you may understand why they
put up with it. It can be easier. Less intense. You only have to be
half-there emotionally, and for many people, that's more than enough!

This is what your Prince is doing to you: you are the third leg of the
triangle. Just knowing that you are out there, waiting... is enough to
keep his wife at arm's length and not too scarily close. He doesn't
need to get real with her, not as long as he's still got you there in
the background as a possibility. And his situation is far more stabile
and less volatile this way, with you in the mix.

Remove yourself (and I mean *completely* - no contact AT ALL), and
suddenly it's just two people. The intensity ramps up exponentially.
The emotional situation for him becomes far more unstable and a lot
more volatile. Ironically... you may get what you want, he may end up
jumpnig out of the frying pan and into your fire. Or not... he could
end up moving towards his marriage, and fixing it. Hard to predict
since we know little about his marriage.

But I can say pretty confidently, since we've seen so many situations
like this drift through this group over the years, and I've witnessed
a few such triangles up close in my real life too, that if you choose
to stay in contact with him, if you choose to stay out there...
waiting .... then you are pretty much creating the perfect stable
situation. He will be able to go on *endlessly* in his half-assed
marriage, as long as you are there waiting in the wings, never making
up his mind to stay or go. He'll be half in, half out. Giving both you
and his wife only half of himself.

Look, he's already told you, loud and clear, that he's in this
marriage until his kids are of a certain age. His youngest is only 10.
So it's obvious that his marriage isn't so insufferable that he can't
put in at least another 8 years, right? And obvious that there's
nothing remarkably special about you that he'd choose to cut those 8
years short. He's already weighed that on the scale of his life - you
on one side, a few more years of his marriage on the other side, and
his marriage won. Not you.

What he is telling you is this: he wants it all. He wants you there on
the side, to make his marriage just a little less insufferable, more
stable, less intense, less volatile, definetly less honest.  While you
- 45 years old already - waste the next decade, quite possibly more,
waiting on nothing but his promises. If you are fine with that, then
maybe you just aren't ready for a real commitment, and you also don't
want anything quite so real and intense. So be it. But just, please,
see him for what he really is: a coward who's fine with lying to his
wife.

It was one thing to slip into an affair initially and lie... but he's
*continuing* the lies now!! What does that make him? Really, think
about it.

If he was the ethical, moral man you imagine him to be, he would've
done the honorable thing and cut off ALL contact with you. Anything
less, he is not being ethical.

jen