Re: A woman who dated a married man

Oh, I only wish it were that simple. Before we met, he already had a
plan for leaving her. He is now in grad school and doesn't plan to
leave for a few years for several reasons.

1) financial-eventhough she is a nurse, she is too lazy to work. he
sup****ts the family and goes to school. because she is the mother of
his children, he plans to give her the house and leave her in good
shape for life, he feels he owes her that (even if he hadn't had the
affair-he planned to do that). he cannot afford to do that til he
finishes grad school and takes an exam. It would cause financial
devastation and put his kids in an awful mess if he were to leave now.
He plans to walk away with the clothes on his back and start over.

2) emotional/stability for his kids. he actually has done extensive
research and he believes (I do not necessarily agree with him) that
what he is doing is best for his children, one is as young as 10 years
old. He believes it will negatively affect them more if he leaves than
if he stays til the youngest leaves for college. He believes it will
hurt them emotionally, educationally, in every way if they come from a
broken home. Their home is not violent, he never even yells (that
alone used to sicken me because sometimes I so wanted to yell, but he
doesn't tolerate it). she yells sometimes, but that is the worst thing
the kids ever see. it doesn't appear, other than an unhappy father and
an oblivious mother, that the kids have it too bad, and he is
convinced a two parent home is best for them. {NOTE: I do not agree
with him. Part of the reason I left my first husband is I didn't want
my young son to believe the home he was in was a "normal" model of a
loving home, because there was no love between his father and me
anymore. But eventhough I do not agree that he is doing what is best
for his kids, I do believe he believes what he is doing is best. I
respect him and what he is trying to do. So, eventhough I don't agree
with him, I respect him and want to help him protect his children-who
am I to tell him what is right in his home?}

3) He cares about her and doing the right thing. Eventhough he does
not love her, he doesn't hate her either. He even goes as far as to
say she is a good person, just not a good wife, or partner. He doesn't
beleive she deserves the pain he has already caused her. He lies to
her and tells her he loves her, not to hurt her. He knows how
unbearable it must be for her to live with a man who doesn't love her.
(again I don't agree he is doing her a favor-but he thinks this is the
kindest thing to do, and she "requires" it as long as he lives with
her).

4) He is a Christian (as am I) and in Christian counseling, it just
isn't acceptable to admit you still love and want your mistress. So,
he goes, and he goes along with the plan, but it is killing him. He
admits he thinks of me and still cares about me.

Before she found out about the affair, he planned to leave her if she
ever found out, it never occured to him that she would not leave him.
but she left, went to her best friends and turned into a blabber
mouth. (bottom line, she is too lazy to work so accepts him, affair
and all, so she doesn't have to work). he was so afraid the kids would
find out and it would devastate them that when she sat terms upon
which she would come back home, he agreed to stay. (And made several
tearful, apologetic phonecalls to me). We were no longer intimate when
she found out, but were still in touch every day. We made plans for
our future together, which to my knowledge are still intact today. She
intercepted information and then he had to start denying that we had
that plan as a condition of him staying. She also had him to put me on
speakphone and emphatically deny he ever loved me, but he told me
before and after that phonecall it was a lie. She also insisted on no
contact between the two of us. That only lasted a few weeks, but she
is not aware of that. We chat via e-mail quite regularly, but it would
be too painful to hear his voice or vice versa. We just chat among
work e-mails so it would be impossible for her to trace them. There
were some symbols and meaningful items that were exchanged as a vow of
our promises to each other, and those remain intact. I still have
certain accesses to him. Of course he insisted in front of her that
digital photos I had be destroyed, especially some more revealing
ones, but of course neither of us actually did it. We just made it
look like the memorabalia had been destroyed.

So, I respect him. I love him. If he chooses to go back to protect his
kids, then I will not interfere. I love him and what he is doing that
much. I have every reason to believe he will be mine in the future. I
know he has to keep up the facade for now and I am actually starting
to date some, as I know it will be a while before he returns to me. I
also could never hurt him or go behind his back, I could never live
with myself if I did that. It has taken months for me to live with
what I have already done. I both want his family to break up and at
the same time feel awful because I do, indeed, want a family to break
up and I know that is pretty darned selfish.

Affairs just are not as easy, or cut and dried, or as alike as they
seem. Ours certainly wasn't cheap and tawdry. I could bore you guys
for hours about how sweet and romantic he was to me and how much we
both did and still do for each other. No, there is no justifying it,
any way you slice it, it is wrong. But I sure do now understand it.
So, it isn't justify-able, but it is explainable.

Even if 2000 people hate me and think I am wrong, I am going to
educate you guys about what some affairs can be like and what wrong is
done to the other person involved, also. You may never agree with me,
and that is fine, I am a very strong woman, I don't need to be liked.
But you could learn a lot from me, if you choose to.

krz