Hello Daisy, It's been a while. Thanks for responding to my post, it
helps to know someone is willing to listen. I know I am certainly not
the only one to have or is going through so much for so long. This
time around I am blind sided by my emotions so much. I mean, I have
known for so long the time would come that Dawn (sister) would need me
more and we talked many times about what she needs from me when the
time comes. I find myself to be scared of her death. I thought I was
stronger than this. I was able to stand up and deal with anything my
fathers death and Gayles death meant I'd have to do. They both went
peacefully after being in a comatose state. My sister has been dying
for 20 years for me. I have watched her change both physically and
mentally. The person she has become is very sick and twisted. Her
brain is not right. She can be downright mean. Her nastiness is making
it quite hard to spend time with. I am all she has. She has begged me
in her weakest moments to make sure she does not die a painful death.
I will see to it she does not, no one should have to. Some of the
things my sister has done to me over the years hurt pretty bad, but I
forgive her. I love her way beyond the abuse I must subject myself to
in caring for her. She may get out of the hospital today, if she does,
I will be leaving my family once again as I did for months when our
mother was very ill. I know my family will be ok without me,and this
time i'll only be an hour away and not half way across the map. I will
be able to go home if need be any time. I have no idea how long Dawn
will continue to be well, every pnuemonia feels like it is the end and
she pulls back out and keeps on going thus nicknamed the energizer
bunny. My sister abuses her medication, opiates and benzos. She nods
out with cigarettes and burns things(my just paid for sofa) :-( or
nods out in a plate of food. She can not be left alone. She walks
around in a stu**** stealing things (like my gold jewelry) My family
does not understand why I just take the stuff she steals back and
forgive her. She is up all hours of the night crying begging Jesus to
take her. I am trying to round up help so as to have a break on
occasion, there is no way I can do this alone. I have opted to try and
quit smoking with her in hopes to eliminate the fire hazard. Probably
the worst time to try and quit, we both have the patch. I believe she
will want cigarettes as soon as she gets out of the hospital and that
will be the end of that. If so we will be back in the hospital once
more with her heart and lung issues. How do you tell a dying person
they cant smoke? Her attitude is why bother, I can't say different,
she is the one dying. I probably wont talk much more here about this
part of what I am going through. Sometimes I just wish for her to be
out of her misery. I have some guilt issues going on for thinking that
way. I guess I will end this now so I can get ready to head out to the
hospital.
Bev
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