Some things about grief...
is that it comes when it wants to, as if it was an invited and honored
guest. It's entrance is like a haughty debutante.
is that it comes like a sneak thief without warning to take what it
pleases. It has had it's sites on us and we can't always do anything to
stop it.
is that it usually is about death, but that it also is about so many
other things. A loss is a loss and non-death losses can be life
altering and recycle themselves over and over. They don't diminish
anyone elses death losses.
is that the loss of other things (not material things), especially when
compounded by a death don't really make us hurt worse but rather
interfere with the other grief and makes it harder to live or survive
with.
is that grief has the strongest memory.
The losses I've had have all hurt, with some still hurting in ways too
numerous to number. Two in particular, which are related in ways odd to
others, but im****tant to me have been the worst for me. They took place
20 years apart and each can at times make me as emotional as the day
they ocurred. The more recent one, almost 6 years ago ocurred on the
heels of 3 other deaths in the same year and also had other grief issues
tied to it which felt as profound as death for me. The amount of pain
sometimes seems so unbearable yet I survive it. I don't understand it,
yet on another level I do.
Many things dredge up that which has sunk to the depths of grief, words
or behaviors of others, certain dates, news stories, a sound, a song...
and the pain feels fresh all over again. For me one of the recent
things has been a "friend" whose daughter died. She and her husband
have avoided talking to me or really anyone else from what I've heard.
My condolence card was left unopened and unread, my emails have been
ignored. After months of this I don't know what to think about our old
"friend****p" but the worst part is that it has dredged up and added to
the pain. Here is not one, but two losses... one from death, one not,
but very painful. I know its selfish... but none the less painful.
I've tried to be patient, but have worried about the well-being of
someone I called a friend who seems unable to even acknowledge her grief
by not acknowledging her "friends" who would dearly love to sup****t her
in anyway she asks. If she doesn't want to talk about her daughter,
fine... thats in her own time. Some of my grief has stayed with me
because people -didn't- want to talk about who I lost.
I don't know what to think, or do, or feel - anything but hurt, and
sometimes anger.
I am not asking for advice.... just venting how I feel about all this
crazy pain. It's the only way I have to deal with it. As has been said
before on this board.... people sometimes just don't know what to say.
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