On Jul 13, 4:48=A0am, NotYet1121 <NotYet1...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> On Jul 3, 1:43 pm, Liliana <xen...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
> > When people say their life is like a roller coaster, we think of
> > extreme highs and extreme lows. =A0With grieving the loss of a child
th=
e
> > highs are really missing. =A0Metaphorically the highs are a relief or
a=
n
> > absence of pain for a while. Since I lost my son , the days are black
> > and white and merge one into the other. =A0I try wth all my might to
> > experience some joy, in a sunset or a good book. =A0I try with all my
> > might to re-capture who I was, but I fail. =A0I can't even come close.
> > I try to remember who I was before I had children, and think maybe I
> > can go back there, and remember me as a little girl or a teenager who
> > had so much fun, and woke up each morning with such joy and
> > possibilites. =A0I try this mostly at night when I can't sleep. =A0Who
=
am
> > I?
> > I look at pictures of before, and my eyes are bright and ****ny, my
> > smile genuine, a soul that lived in paradise.
> > You can tell now in the pictures, the smile is forced, the eyes are
> > dull. =A0All an act.
> > I walk the familiar streets where I raised my children for over 30
> > years. =A0I am the mother who lost a son. There she is, walking her
dog
> > poor woman. =A0I wonder how she copes......if it were me.... =A0I
don't
> > know what I would do? I feel the voices in my head, I see the look of
> > pity. =A0I am marked.
> > How can anyone have any real "fun" with a mother who has lost a
> > child. =A0 The words are guarded, the excitement is tempered.
> > At the beginning friends would talk little of their own children.
=A0No=
w
> > I hear about their upcoming weddings, their new jobs, how great they
> > are doing, all the little family intimacies, and blissful family
> > gatherings that I remember having.
> > I don't fit in anymore, not really. =A0I am the mother who has lost a
> > child. =A0See..... there she is... that poor woman... how does she
cope=
..
>
> Liliana:
>
> Hi! I tried to write to you privately but I guess you didn't remember
> me. I am so sorry you are in such pain. I feel your pain. I too lost
> my oldest son Nov. 2005. He was 27 years old and there is not a day or
> night that goes by that my heart does not ache for him. I understand.
> As much as I will never agree that anything good could have come from
> my son Joshua dying - because not only did most of me die with him
> that day, but the world lost maybe one of the best and caring, kind
> human beings that ever walked the Earth. Although I think I have
> always been a compassionate person, I have become and extremely
> understanding and compassionate person. The only thing that helps me
> get through the horror of this journey is to help other parents who
> have lost their child to death. Amazingly my only thought was to help
> them, but what happened is that it helps me even more to help them.
>
> I agree with you - we are forever changed and we get don't feel we fit
> in a number of places we did before. Since Josh died, I have had the
> need to distance myself from the friends I had. The ones that said
> "get over it already", the ones that get uncomfortable if I mention
> his name. I am not mad at them and it's not that I don't like them
> anymore. It's that I just don't fit in. I have experienced something
> that even if they try to imagine - that just can't come close to
> understand. =A0Because my child died they feel uncomfortable around me.
> Sometimes I think they fear if they are close to me it could happen to
> there child - I don't know. The friends that I have are other parents
> who have also lost a child. They understand the roller coaster - that
> sometimes out of the blue - grief hits hard. They understand that the
> Memorial dates and Birth dates and Holidays hurt us. Yes we put a mask
> on and pretend to be ok - but in our hearts - our memories are of the
> times with our child and we want with everything in us to still have
> them with us.
>
> No matter how hard you try - you won't be able to go back to the
> person you were before you had kids or before your child died. It
> isn't possible. We are forever changed. The worst thing in the world
> has happened to us and we can live through it and go on with our life.
> We will never be the same person we were - how could we be? A part of
> myself died when Josh died and part of Josh stayed with me. I must
> find a new normal as you must. There is no timetable on grief and
> often when we really think we are feeling better - we are once again
> hit with the wave of grief. It could be a song, it could be we thought
> we caught a glimpse of someone that reminded us of our childs eyes or
> smile. It could be anything. We love our child with everything that is
> us - for eternity, so why would we ever think that our grief will be
> brief? Our love for them isn't brief. You helped me so much when I
> first came to this site and I want to help you. I am almost 33 months
> into this journey and I have yet to experience joy, but I am told that
> it can happen for us. I don't cry everyday like I use to. Yes I still
> do cry but not nearly as often. Yes I have days when I still don't get
> out of bed - but I get out of bed lots more than I use to. Truly it
> helped me to change friends as to where I now feel I fit in with them.
> Who better can understand this journey of a Mom or Dad who's child
> died than another parent?
>
> I have always loved the way you write. You have always written the
> words I feel but couldn't find the actual words to say. It helps me to
> help other parents who lost there children and I bet it would help you
> too. I want you to know I am here for you always. I am so sorry you
> are so sad right now. Take my hand and I will do my best to help you
> up again.
>
> Love Lynn - Josh's MOM- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -
Dear Lynn, and forever Josh's Mom..... it is so good to hear from
you, and read your words of comfort and hope. I am also glad that in
some small way my thoughts and often rambling words have helped place
words on your innermost feelings..... because in the end it is the
words we remember, words and actions that give hope. I now know how
im****tant "words" are. Words are what I have of James now, and of
course the visual memory of his silence, his sleeping, his playing. I
am so glad that in his whole life James did not say anything truly
mean to me, his brother or his father. He "watched" his words. Maybe
he knew. Many times, upon leaving the house, he would rush back in...
and say "hey guys, I forget something im****tant..... oh yah, I love
you all". Words. Another time (as if I knew) I was having a bad day,
and I said to James " James, I just don't know what I would do if I
ever lost you or your brother?" I see his eyes still, full of sorrow
and understanding..... words.... |I know mom, I know. All of us have
our stories, our moments, our own movies in our heads.
The thing is with me, Lynn, I used to help a lot of people with
volunteer work, prison work, hospital work, always there for a friend,
often neglecting my family to help others. If I am truthful, a lot of
my volunteer work was self - serving, as I thought surely my good
works will protect me and my family. It didn't. I know, that is all
"magical thinking". Now in many ways my heart is hardened.
I have even tried to reach out to some bereaved parents, and often it
seems each of us is in a different stages of grief, and can offer
little sup****t. I tried another sup****t group recently, but because
James has been gone for almost 10 years, I was the last to speak, the
last to be acknowledged, as I understand the early grief is so raw,
and I got the feeling that I didn't belong as much as them. The group
leader I felt saw me, as a discouragement to the others, who were
early in their grief, and there I was almost ten years later...... in
deep grief. As soon as I said something, the group leader would say
how wonderfully she is doing after many years, and I just got quieter
and quieter, and as a matter of fact the group made me feel worse.
So... it seemed another place I didn't belong.
People have talked of God, and how it helps. I understand where you
are all coming from, and I wish I could receive the comfort you get,
as I know it helps tremondously. I went to church every Sunday, and
my boys went also, well into their late teens. I thought I was doing
everything right (magical thinking, I know). Do I go back now and do
the same things? Help others.... volunteer....go to church , pray.
I try to help others when I can, but I no longer seek out others to
help. I'm tired, and my soul is lacking light, and my mind does not
absorb the beauty of poetry, the sound of music, in the way it once
did.
Sometimes I actually feel hate towards some people, even friends,
maybe hate is a strong word, but that is the word that comes to mind
as I write. Sometimes, I talk of James, and they talk over me, and
talk of their living children. I want to run away from them. I never
want to see them again, I want to tell them, that I don;t care their
daughter is getting married, or their son lost their job, or about
their grandchildren. MY son died.
The other day on t.v. they were asking a famous author what her worst
fear was. You guessed it. I looked at the change in her face, her
eyes, the way her face fell, and in an instant she looked older. I
knew. She couldn't get the words out. This author, could not get the
words out of her mouth, but bravely and very faintley she said"
losing a child" and she then stopped immediately , and commented that
she did not even want to speak the words. (magical thinking).... if
you say it ... it might happen.
But, I know my soul and mind can be reached, because I respond to you
Lynn, and others who have written with heartfelt thoughts. I am
reached by all of you, and I thank you from the botttom of my broken
heart.
Liliana
James' Mom..... 1974-1998 (James will finally get his official plaque
this Sept.)
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