When people say their life is like a roller coaster, we think of
extreme highs and extreme lows. With grieving the loss of a child the
highs are really missing. Metaphorically the highs are a relief or an
absence of pain for a while. Since I lost my son , the days are black
and white and merge one into the other. I try wth all my might to
experience some joy, in a sunset or a good book. I try with all my
might to re-capture who I was, but I fail. I can't even come close.
I try to remember who I was before I had children, and think maybe I
can go back there, and remember me as a little girl or a teenager who
had so much fun, and woke up each morning with such joy and
possibilites. I try this mostly at night when I can't sleep. Who am
I?
I look at pictures of before, and my eyes are bright and ****ny, my
smile genuine, a soul that lived in paradise.
You can tell now in the pictures, the smile is forced, the eyes are
dull. All an act.
I walk the familiar streets where I raised my children for over 30
years. I am the mother who lost a son. There she is, walking her dog
poor woman. I wonder how she copes......if it were me.... I don't
know what I would do? I feel the voices in my head, I see the look of
pity. I am marked.
How can anyone have any real "fun" with a mother who has lost a
child. The words are guarded, the excitement is tempered.
At the beginning friends would talk little of their own children. Now
I hear about their upcoming weddings, their new jobs, how great they
are doing, all the little family intimacies, and blissful family
gatherings that I remember having.
I don't fit in anymore, not really. I am the mother who has lost a
child. See..... there she is... that poor woman... how does she cope.
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