I've lost my mother and five RL friends in the past ten years. The
latest I found out about less than a fortnight ago.
Sometimes, though, I forget.
I'll read or hear something, or think of something, and I'll say to
myself, "I should remember to tell that to N---- the next time I talk
to...no, wait, N---- died some years ago."
In that same period of time, I've lost three cats. Still, I forget. I'll
look in the back yard or out the window for one of them, and then
remember, "No, Simba/Christian/Bijou has been gone for X years."
It's been happening more often recently. After finding out Gina died, I
think to talk to my mom about it, then recall that Mom's been dead for
almost two years. Or I'll feel strongly the need to talk to Gina about
it, then right away feeling ridiculous because Gina is never coming back
either.
Those moments for me are terrible to endure. To think a loved one still
alive and then suddenly remember they'd passed away long ago...in those
moments, that loved one is more alive than they ever were, and at the
same time more dead then they will ever be.
I'm afraid to sleep anymore. My dreams are filled with those moments
nowadays. Then I wake up, and everything I see is one more thing I'm
going to lose.
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