Missing my son

My son Michael,(I love the sound of his name) dies 13 1/2 months ago.
Life as I knew it ended.  Me as I knew me ended.It is so awful.  I
feel like I go through like as a zombie although on the outside I
think I look ok to others.  I have 2 other children, daughters, who I
have to live for.  Michael was 23, soon is his birthday(Mother's day
actually) he'd be 25.  My daughter's are both in college & I'm home
alone. Divorced.  I'm so lonely - Michael was SO alive- I can't
believe he's gone.  He was a very social person- he called all the
time for just a quick question but he called.  He told me all about is
friends & what was going on with them when he came home
sometimes(frequently) it was like a hurricane blew in.  He demanded
attention.  And I usually gave it to him.  His friends were always
here with him- there was life in my house.  This past fall my youngest
daughter went off to college & it is so empty here.  And my daughters
aren't as verbal as MIchael was.  We're close but they don't go on &
on like he did.  I miss him so much- I wish I were dead but I don't
want to leave my daughters.  I don't want them to ever think that they
they weren't worth living for- they certainly are but I'm in so much
pain.  Each day that ends, it's like I'm one day closer to being with
him again.  I miss him so much I can bearly stand it.  It's good I
have to work because I guess I'd be a real mess if I were here all day
yet I long for weekends. It's all so weird.  It's also hard to get
used to the person I am now- for 50 years I was one way now I don't
recognize me.  There is no joy at all.  I just want my baby back.  His
friends have been great- calling & coming around but it doesn't fix
the big hole in my heart.  How does a person live with a broken
heart?  I feel like I don't care about anything at all- nothing is
im****tant.  Unfortuneately that includes my older daughter's grad from
college.  I feel like such a horrible mom- I don't even care or want
to go.  Of course I'm going & I hope she can't see how I feel.  I love
her so much but I feel forever broken- irreparable.  And to be all
alone feels so much worse.  I have wonderful friends & family but I
don't want to burden them.  My poor parents are so broken- they're in
their 70's & were traveling & enjoying life & now they are just so
sad- not interested in going anywhere.  I think they still cry every
day for him.  He was their first grandchild & they were very close.
Mike called them almost every day.  I go to Compassionate Friends & I
see people who look sort of ok after this has happened to them but I
wonder how I will ever be ok.   Well, it's late & there's work
tomorrow.  I hope it was ok to just let this all out.  Thanks so much
for the op****tunity to vent.  Don't think I don't love my daughters-
I'd feel the exact same way if it were one of them.  My heart was
meant for 3 children to physically love- hug & talk to & feels like
it's not working right with only 2 children alive.  Thank you for this
forum
to vent.     Donna