Six months of pain. Six months of insecurity. Six months of emptiness.
I got to the house after school and it was empty. This house is as empty
as
my heart. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm scared to open my
heart and allow myself to love. I'm scared to allow myself to be hurt
again. I'm scared of loosing those I allow myself to love. There was a
time when I was confident, at times confident to the point of arrogance.
Its gone, now I'm just scared. I'm in pain and I'm scared.
I'm told by others that the pain will never go away. I'm told by others
that some day I'll wake up and realize it does not hurt as much anymore.
There are times when this is the case but just before bed and just after
I wake and when others talk about their kids the pain is unbearable.
Its been seven years and eight days without Charlie, Becky my girls &
Marian
my fiancé. Its been six months without Jenny. I'm so empty without them. I
had a purpose with Jenny and now she is gone. I'm so empty. So many pieces
of me are gone. I don't know how to come to terms without my girls. I'm
scared to allow myself to open my heart to others. I don't know how to
deal
with the pain of an other loss.
I opened my heart to another Jenny and I held on to tight. I feel as if I
lost her. I opened my heart to her sister and I feel as if I lost
her too. So rarely do I get to see them. God I miss them, I miss them so
much. Did I loose them as friends? I'm so scared to open my heart to
others, I'm afraid to loose them, I'm afraid of the pain. Tonight when I
got to the house it was so empty. I grieve for my girls. I didn't know
if I should grieve for loosing these two as well.
I look into the eyes of a woman I met, I care about her. I can't say I
love
her that may develop in time. For that I'd have to open my heart and allow
myself
to love her but I'm scared. Scared to loose her, I'm scared of the pain.
Loosing her as a friend, that pain would be magnified by three.
I look into her youngest daughters eyes and see nothing but happiness.
I've
never seen such a happy baby. When she cries and fusses, make a face or
poke
her and she giggles and squirms. She is so innocent, so untouched by pain
and loss. I love her like I love any child. The loss of her as a friend
that
would be magnified by three.
When looking into her older daughters eyes, I'm petrified by fear. Despite
my
intent not to, I let it happen. Whether it was she, whether it was I,
something
opened my heart and I allowed myself to love this child. It only took my
meeting her once. Every time I see her she tells me she loves me and I
love
her. Loosing her as a friend, that pain would be magnified my three.
One thing I know is, when I hold these kids, this feels right. The child
tells me
she loves me and I know its true. I say that I love her, I wonder, does
anyone doubt it?
I was once told by a friend that I'm very special in one regard. When I
love, that love is absolute and unconditional. I'm so afraid to loose any
of these people as friends. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid.
I don't know what to do. I can go back to my isolation, back to the
misery that I know and am used to. I know my girls would want me to move
on. I know my girls would want me to be happy. The fear of being hurt
again is overwhelming. So is the fear of being alone and miserable. I'm
so tired of being miserable; I'm so tired of being alone. Yet I'm so
scared of the pain of loosing an other person, loosing a child I love.
Its been six months since Jenny joined god in heaven. Its been six months
since I've been alone.
Dedicated to the ones I've lost,
my daughter Jenny 11/28/1992 - 1/28/2005
my daughter Charlie 2/28/1991 - 7/22/1997
my daughter Becky 2/28/1991 - 7/22/1997
My fiancé Marion died with my girls 7/22/1997
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