Will we have to baby the abuser forever?
Your loved one, the "victim" of the Loser/Abuser, has probably been
given a choice - the relation****p or the family. This choice is made
more difficult by the control and intimidation often present in
abusive/controlling relation****ps. Knowing that choosing the family will
result in severe personal and social consequences, the family always
comes in second. Keep in mind that the victim knows in their heart the
family will always love them and accept their return =96 whenever the
return happens. Remember, the more you pressure the "victim" of the
Loser/Abuser, the more you prove the their point. Your loved one is
being told the family is trying to ruin their wonderful relation****p.
Pressure in the form of contacts, comments, and communications will be
used as evidence against you. An invitation to a Tupperware party is met
with "You see! They just want to get you by yourself so they can tell
you bad things about me!" Increasing your contacts is viewed as "putting
pressure" on their relation****p =96 not being lovingly concerned. Your
contacts with your loved one, no matter how routine and loving, may be
met with anger and resentment. This is because each contact may prompt
the Loser/Abuser to attack them verbally or emotionally. Imagine getting
a four-hour lecture every time your Aunt Gladys calls. In a short time,
you become angry each time she calls, knowing what the contact will
produce in your home. The longer Aunt Gladys talks =96 the longer your
lecture becomes! Thus, when Aunt Gladys calls, you want to get her off
the phone as quickly as possible. The 1980's song, "Hold on Loosely",
maybe the key to a good family and friend approach. Holding on too tight
produces more pressure. When the victim is out of the home, it's often
best to establish predictable, scheduled contacts. Calling every
Wednesday evening, just for a status re****t or to go over current
events, is less threatening than random calls during the week. Random
calls are always viewed as "checking up on us" calls. While you may
encounter an answering machine, leave a polite and loving message.
Im****tantly, don't discuss the relation****p (the controller may be
listening!) unless the victim brings it up. The goal of these scheduled
calls is to maintain contact, remind your loved one that you are always
there to help, and to quietly remind the controller that family and
loved ones are nearby and haven't disappeared. Try to maintain
traditional and special contacts with your loved one - holidays, special
occasions, etc. Keep your contacts short and brief, with no comments
that can be used as evidence. Contacts made at "traditional" times =96
holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. =96 are not as threatening to a
controller/abuser. Contacts that provide information, but not questions,
are also not as threatening. An example might be a simple card reading
"Just a note to let you know that your brother landed a new job this
week. You might see him on a Wal-Mart commercial any day now. Love, Mom
and Dad". This approach allows the victim to recognize that the family
is there - waiting in the wings if needed. It also lessens the
lectures/tantrums provided by the Loser as the contacts are on a
traditional and expected basis. It's also hard to be angry about
brother's new job without looking ridiculous. Also, don't invent
holidays or send a reminder that it's Sigmund Freud's birthday. That's
suspicious=85even in my family.
Remember that there are many channels of communication. It's im****tant
that we keep a channel open if at all possible. Communication channels
might include phone calls, letters, cards, and e-mail. Scheduled monthly
shopping trips or outings are helpful if possible. The goal is to
maintain contact while your loved one is involved in the
controlling/abusive relation****p. Remember, the goal is contact, not
pressure.
Don't feel the victim's behavior is against the family or friends. It
may be a form of survival or a way of lowering stress. Victims may be
very resistive, angry, and even hostile due to the complexity of their
relation****p with the controller/abuser. They may even curse, threaten,
and accuse loved ones and friends. This hostile defensiveness is
actually self-protection in the relation****p =96 an attempt to avoid
"trouble".
The victim needs to know and feel they are not rejected because of their
behavior. Keep in mind, they are painfully aware of their situation.
They know they are being treated badly and/or controlled by their
partner. Frequent reminders of this will only make them want less
contact. We naturally avoid people who remind us of things or situations
that are emotionally painful.
Victims may slightly open the door and provide information about their
relation****p or hint they may be considering leaving. When the door
opens, don't jump through with the Marines behind you! Listen and simply
offer sup****t such as "You know your family is behind any decision you
need to make and at any time you make it." They may be exploring what
sup****t is available but may not be ready to call in the troops just
yet. Many victims use an "exit plan" that may take months or even years
to complete. They may be gathering information at this point, not yet
ready for an exit.
We can get messages to people in two ways - the pipeline and the
grapevine. The pipeline is face-to-face, telling the person directly.
This seldom happens in Loser situations as controllers and abusers
monitor and control contacts with others. However, the grapevine is
still open. When we use the grapevine, we send a message to our loved
one through another person. Victims of controlling and abusive
individuals are often allowed to maintain a relation****p with a few
people, perhaps a sibling or best friend. We can send our loved one a
message through that contact person, a message that voices our
understanding and sup****t. We don't send insults ("Bill is such a jerk!)
or put-downs ("If he doesn't get out of this relation****p he'll end up
crazy!) - we send messages of love and sup****t. We send "I hope she/he
(victim) knows the family is concerned and that we love and sup****t
them." Comments sent on the grapevine are phrased with the understanding
that our loved one will hear them in that manner. Don't talk with a
grapevine contact to express anger and threaten to hire a hit man, and
then try to send a message of loving sup****t. Be careful what and how
the message is provided. The grapevine contact can often get messages to
the victim when we can't. It's another way of letting them know we're
sup****ting them, just waiting to help if and when needed. Each situation
is different. The family may need to seek counseling sup****t in the
community. A family consultation with a mental health professional or
attorney may be helpful if the situation becomes legally complex or
there is a significant danger of harm. As relatives or friends of a
victim involved with a controller or abuser, our normal reaction is to
consider dramatic action. We become angry, resentful, and aggressive at
times. Our mind fills with a variety of plans that often range from
rescue and kidnapping to ambu****ng the controller/abuser with a ball
bat. A rule of thumb is that any aggression toward the controller/abuser
will result in additional difficulties for your loved one. Try to remain
calm and await an op****tunity to show your love and sup****t when your
loved one needs it. In some cases, as in teenagers and young adults, the
family may still provide some financial, insurance, or other sup****t.
When we receive angry responses to our phone calls, our anger and
resentment tells us to cut off their sup****t. I've heard "If she's going
to date that jerk, it's not going to be in a car I'm paying for!" and
"If he's choosing that woman over his family, he can drop out of college
and flip hamburgers!" Withdrawing financial sup****t only makes your
loved one more dependent upon the controller/abuser. Remember, if we're
aggressive by threatening, withdrawing sup****t, or pressuring =96 we
become the threatening force, not the controller/abuser. It actually
moves the victim into the sup****t of the controller. Sadly, the more of
an "ordeal" they experience, the more bonding takes place as noted in
Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance
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