feel a little frustrated.
Today seemed good, and I got home and was pretty much talking to J and
then glued to the computer. I lost time in that. I don't know how. The
time flies on the computer, I guess. Doesn't feel good to me. Most of
day gone due to taking the damned bus everywhere (I'm grateful for the
bus =96 please don't think I'm ungrateful and punish me please I LOVE
the bus I love everything and I love my parents and please don't hurt
me.)
This is the out-of-controlness going on. I had therapy and it went
well and I thought maybe the inside spinning would stop. It hasn't.
Now it's just spinning a different direction. I'm excited about going
out to a school to recruit tomorrow. But I also feel perfectionistic
and scared it won't be perfect. Need to remember that it is okay to go
there and do okay with it and leave it at that. Sometimes it is okay
to do an okay job. That is a hard concept for me. Must be perfect must
be best must be better than others mus t be phenomenal. It is so hard
to have so much of sense of self-worth hinge on work.
Part of me wants to just sabotage it all =96 everything sometimes just
moves too quickly. R talks about staying with basics first or she'll
spin. Maybe i'm like her but I just haven't taught myself to focus on
basics. Basics tomorrow are just showing up for recruitment and noel.
Not doing it perfect. Not having a brilliant plan. Just showing up and
then having some trust that the kids and r and I will find ways to
work it all out =96 doesn't have to be perfect at the beginning.
Oh damn. God. It just hurts. Why does it still hurt? Why? Why can't I
manage my time? Why do I do okay during the day, only to come home and
have screaming, have alters saying help, have me wondering why I can't
get anything right, why it's so hard to just take a shower and get to
bed on time and wake up in the early morning....and.......
OUCH.
And therapist said it's okay if feelings are drastic and even
suicidal. And some of me does feel that way and but....still. I just
need to function. And I am functioning. One of the miracles I see in
my life right now is that, before when I would have given up or
sabotaged or had the memories and programming take over my life, my
life is actually functioning fairly well right now! So maybe I just
need to accept some resistance. Some hurt. And know that it will still
be okay.
Know that we can work through it. Accept that life isn't all work and
there is so much trauma and pain =96 and I can't expect to just come
home and feel fine. Home is a place to sorta process stuff, a safe
haven. But now home is becoming all about work too, or it feels like
it has to be all about work. So I spend the evening on the computer
feeling like i'm procrastinating.
Help me.
(I don't know where the help me keeps coming from =96 not directed to
me, or to anyone. Like a mantra we say =96 some kind of desperation
mantra.)
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